Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Sorry About That

Sorry if yesterday's post sounded a bit self absorbed. Please understand that we do focus on their deaths and the people that each of us loved at one time in our lives and were [are?] the parents of our children.

There is where it gets tricky because although it brings me no pleasure to post about how they died it is simply the bigger picture of why did they have to die so young? And how did it work out that both of our exes are now gone but somehow Pooldad and I are still standing?

And it really makes both of us question that these two people that we were married to, had kids with and watched both of them take great pleasure in trying to ruin us [believe me they did] were simply so unhappy that they took their own lives?

I can assure you neither of us saw this type of sadness when we were married to them and through all the custody, divorce and child support trials [oh, let's not forget the kidnapping trial!] they both were so gleeful - happylike that they could drag us through the muck. Out of over 60+ court dates only Sr. won, and he only won once. But neither of them ever seemed to take defeat hard and would turn around and a few months later another lawsuit would be posted on our door.

I knew Sr. had a drug habit and it was one thing that ended our marriage. He wanted to do drugs and I didn't want him to so he found a girlfriend [eventual wife] who would allow it. So his overdose, I guess? was inevitable. It is just, to me, that he would step up his abuse of drugs to the point that he could OD. I always wondered if he did it on purpose.

As for Pooldad's ex - well...she was plenty manic. There was a time that if she wanted to talk to Pooldad she would call our house 30 -40 times a day. She would create outlandish lies and submit them to court so we would have to schlep back and defend ourselves. Time and again. We always won, but she wouldn't quit.

She finally gave up when it became apparent that I was never going to allow her to talk to Pooldad again. It took a couple of months of phoning our home or work and me telling her no before she stopped.

She did make one last attempt earlier this year when, out of the blue, she called him at work. He wasn't in but I called her back and asked her if the kids were okay [thinking that is the only reason for a call]. She replied yes and said she called Pooldad because she wanted to have lunch with him. I told her he wasn't interested in ever talking to her again so lunch wouldn't even be an option. She called me a bitch and hung up. We never heard from her again.

What is so funny about her pursuit of her ex husband is that she left him for another man she married and had a kid with. I could never quite figure out why she still had to have Pooldad too. It wasn't like she ever allowed us to exercise our visitation with the kids when they were older. At that point they didn't have anything to talk about as the kids weren't involved and she was paid handily every month via auto pay, so child support was never late.

Pooldad said last night "You don't think she was so sad that it was all over in September when Tee [his son] turned 18 do you?"

No. I don't. Child support was a chunk of his pay but it wasn't paying all their bills so we don't think she did it because of the ending of child support. We just don't know. And we certainly don't understand.

It truly makes you question your mortality. I hope you understand that we aren't being crass about either of their deaths. As I mentioned before these were people that, at one time, we truly loved. Their actions after the divorces were deplorable but Pooldad and I had eachother and stuck it out. I think sometimes the fact that they couldn't break us up frustrated them. One of the biggest problems we had with each of them was that neither could accept the fact that our respective step children really liked us. They all loved being with us and the children were terribly disheartened to hear our exes bad mouth their new step parents.

I don't know why I posted this or why it is so rambly. It really doesn't touch what has occurred in the last 15 years - but I wish I just knew why.


Rudee said...

Exes always seem to think the grass is greener. Mine was a few bits shy of being a monster. Some years ago, he told my daughter he never should have left. I think the booze has pickled his brain because it was me who left, not him. He blames his mother for breaking us up, but has no clue that perhaps I took offense to his alcoholism and the fact that he parked sideways on the lawn every night. Maybe it was that he failed to come home at night. Maybe it was all of it. He is still pickling himself and refuses to have a father/daughter relationship. It's his loss.

Both of your exes had problems way outside the realm of your ability to manage. I hope you, your husband and your kids can have some peace now that all is said and done.


Kathy's Klothesline said...

You will always wonder, that can't be helped. Having recently lost my son I have a lot of "what ifs" rambling around in my head, too. He was addicted to heroin and had aids and hepatitis. Although I know that these were choices he made and that nothing I could ahve said or done would have deterred his lifestyle, still.........

Marni said...

Could it be KARMA? They acted badly so it was returned in spades... and they couldn't handle it.

Just my $.02

Yum Yucky said...

Kidnapping Trial? Word has it that my teenage dad kidnapped me for 3 hours when I was a baby. His mom made him give me back. LOL! (but I'm no joking)