Tuesday, July 8, 2014

We Have to Talk

I do have a little bone to pick with y'all.

Get back here Tadpoles. I am not going to yell or anything, but this is important. To me anyway.

I have already had it out with the family, but it's been bugging the beyeeshesh out of me for months.

I know y'all think I have this weird obsession with my weight. I don't. Really. I have always been a pretty slender person, genetics or something, who knows, but.....BUT....

I have tended to talk about it a lot in the past few years. It gets tiresome, I realize that. But, when you are sick, and the doctors are requiring you eat this way, take that pill, don't drink too much liquid and OMG! try not hurl on a daily basis - one does have a tendency to fluctuate in weight.

It also doesn't help that I have shrunk in height in the past few years from 5'8" to 5'6 1/2" - and yes, I am claiming that half an inch - because then I don't know what in the hell I am supposed to weigh. The shrinking thing is definitely genetic.

I was always a good, healthy Skip at 135 lbs.  Even when I shrank - which was a stunning surprise two years ago - that is what the doctors wanted me back out.

Then came another hospital stay and I was so congested I was 176 lbs. Came out and lost 56 lbs in a little over 6 weeks.  Water. All water.

Do any of you know what it is like to suddenly realize under all that weight you thought you had you suddenly weigh 1/3rd less than you used to?

Then came the meds - and we all remember what happen there...I went down to 97 lbs.  I was a walking cadaver.  The doctors kept screaming "You need to gain weight!!!!"

Well, what exactly was I supposed to do when I am on a restricted diet, meds that make me violently ill AND for an added treat the one med they gave me for nausea made me sicker than all the others combined?

I learned to love chocolate and low/no sodium bake goods. This from a girl who never even liked chocolate.  Or cake. But? I managed to gain a whopping 13 lbs.

And I held steady for almost a year.

Then came the dreaded Prednisone.  I have never mentioned my meds actual names because some of them are damn scary - and that lil' bitch IS - but the one thing it did was cut down on the swelling of [I don't know, my entire body?] that was keeping my body in constant pain. Oh and it's also the drug in the post I wrote about the "good side effect of wearing hockey gear". Remember that?

BUT, those two things aside - I gained back 50 lbs. Mostly retention of water, but the pills make you ravenous and made me eat things that I should never have put in my mouth.

Alas...the roller coaster was back, and it was a ticket to a ride I couldn't burn for love of God or Country. Just get me the freak off of this thing - I want to be ME. This being a daily lament to my long suffering husband.

NOW...[how much do y'all miss how much it takes me to get to a point? giggle...yeah, well, lotsa' time on my hands, my apologies].....Here comes the reason for this post...

While on this fun little ride - ha - I never heard one peep out of my family, my friends or a single Tadpole about how AWFUL I looked when I was so thin.  When I plateaued out at 110 lbs, I obviously had a new wardrobe - and you guys were very, very generous in listening to me cry about the pain in the ass that was shopping for it ["Thanks for not bedazzling my behind"], and telling me I looked fine. I was healthy - okay, I don't think anyone used that word exactly, but no one happened to mention I was a walking stick figure. Heck, I was the losing guy in game of "Hangman" now that I look back.  I was being told by everyone that I looked "beautiful" and "fine" and said "No worries. Steven and the family love you", as did you - but even they lied. For good reason, I know.....but. . .

OMGosh, how could anyone allow me to post those pics?  I shudder to look at them now. [Then again my number one rule is "My blog, my rules." - So not too sure how that would've worked out. heehee - but still...I can't even look at those posts or pics here anymore.]

Then I began on the Predisone and when I started to gain the weight is when people started to admit I was looking better and how worried they had been.  Heck, my own husband would tell me I was pretty at 110 lbs, yet wouldn't come within 3 feet of me - for fear of breaking me, as he told me later.

Nice honey. Love you! MWAH!

But, to hear it from so many people about broke my heart.  It isn't that I don't understand your wonderful intentions and know you meant well....

BUT TADPOLES - what have I always told you? Huh?

I don't want you to worry about me.  It's all good. IT IS....regardless.  But gang, if I can't trust y'all to tell me the truth - and evidently my family isn't going to do it - what do I have? You don't have to do it in comments but I am easy to find.

You are such true friends, but to know you thought I looked horrible, and were worried....well, that is why I ultimately stopped the blog in October '13.  They had put me back on some of the meds they had stopped, because of the weight loss, and stopped the Prednisone because I had been on that for a long time, but a patient has to eventually go off. It is dangerous to be on long term.  Talk to your adrenal gland. It'll tell you, it's doesn't like that med either.

Well, what do you think has happened?  Yep...wave good bye, because the weight is going south again.  I put on a pair of my old/new jeans, took one look in the mirror and said to my daughter "Well, guess I won't be taking a pic' of me in this outfit again, will I?"

You are not allowed to worry. And if you are going to you can't read my blog anymore.  So, there :P

And if you see me, and think I look like crap - spit it out!  Please. Tell me.  You let me get all my worries off of my [bony, flat little] chest - so why not say it?  To me.

I am a big girl - I can take it.  I've heard worse. Aw heck, I hear stuff every week that sucks worse than hearing I look like my funeral was yesterday. Have at it.

You know how I love you - and it isn't fair to ask you not to worry. We're all human, and have emotions.

I have to say, I did hesitate to write this post, only because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Honest.  You guys have always been so supportive and I realize that is probably what you were doing.  I just can't stand that you are worried.  I would've told you I was okay. None of my doctors was putting me in a clinic for weight gain reasons.

Still, I did write it. And I hope you forgive me. . because when you spend your nights dry heaving in the kitchen sink, random cups and an entire box of tissues, you do have a tendency to let your mind wander about your next post.

Sigh. Goodbye size 8 [again]. It was nice knowing you.

And no. No more pictures for you. heehee

See ya' on flipside! And EVERYONE smile loudly! Life IS a gift.


Furry Bottoms said...

This reminds me of back a few years ago when my mother looked anorexic. See, at the time I knew she was thin, but I didn't think she looked that bad. I knew she was going through a difficult time. It is only now, when I look at a picture of her from that time... I flinch. She looks awful. She didn't look that awful to me AT the time, in real time... just years later I realized, oooooo my god. And I told her she is not allowed to look like that again. Nope.

ellen abbott said...

Tell you you looked like death warmed over? What good would that have done besides make you feel even worse. It wasn't something you had/have any control over, so no, I am not going to do that. I'm going to tell you how beautiful you are, the person trapped in that malfunctioning body.

Gypsy said...

My story is a great deal different than yours, but losing too much weight, or gaining too much weight is awful to deal with. I won't ever tell you that you look like crap because I try to see people from the inside - and you will always be beautiful because of your heart and soul, no matter how you appear physically. I really mean that.

Juli said...

I have two thoughts... (well, I have more, but no one wants to hear them now)

A) You can still post pictures of the neck up. :)

2) Never, EVER, bedazzle your ass.

Linda said...

I would never tell a friend she looked great. I would say something about hoping she was getting better. If she tried to pry it out of me how awful she looked, I would say something about even though she did not look her best, she was looking better than last time (if it were true) or that I knew she would look better soon. Okay, I might say how sick she looked. I hate being lied to, so I could not look into the eyes of someone who knew she looked awful and lie.

I have not read here very long, so I don't even know what is your health problem.

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

You silly girl. I am NEVER gonna say you look like crap. No matter what you weigh, your hundred watt smile and inner light keep your stained glass glowing beautifully. (Sorry for anyone reading this who doesn't know what the hell I'm talking about, but YOU do.)


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