Thursday, July 3, 2014

Noonish? Who Said Noon?

Yeah, I know - I am a notorious time management blogger. I SAID I would be back around 12 pm today..but, uh...

Life got in the way.

That, and I have so much to tell everyone I don't even know where to begin.  I couldn't decide on what to post about first.

Then IT happened.

And I didn't have to decide, because I don't even know quite how to explain it.....

But you know I am going to try, so here goes.

The crux of this post is I think I had the beginning of a nervous breakdown today.  I don't throw the words "nervous breakdown" around easily.  I have never had one, but I have seen panic attacks before and I know what to do for the person having one.  I have actually seen a, no two actually, nervous breakdowns, and the person was hospitalized.  This was a damn near nervous breakdown.

And what finally triggered it is going to make you shake your head. I can't even describe it.

Since some of you aren't on FB, let me just say that this week was kind of LONG.  Those that are on FB know what I am talking about....and I AM going to write that post later this week, because I am still angry at big Pharma, but I didn't realize how much it affected me.

Here's the long story short of what set me off:

And don't kid yourself - no story is short. hee

I went out to put a sticker - a little bitty sticker - on the back windshield of Ozcarz.  I am not a believer in bumper stickers or window stickers, especially on MY pretty car, BUT this sticker is special.

And I had actually put two other stickers on his window after I bought him because they represented my daughters.  JMU Marching Royal Dukes and The Dominion Titans Marching Bands.

I just realized after proofing this [pick yourself up Fitz] is that a lot of you aren't on FB and don't know that Ozcarz was rearended by a full size SUV on New Year's Day.  Evelyn was driving, Dad was in the passenger seat and Emily was in the back seat.  Everyone is fine.  Okay, that's another blog post too - but it took out the entire back of my car, if you could see it you would know it could've killed Emily.

What I didn't realize and I guess [?] had forgotten was that dumbass on his cellphone had rearended Ozcarz on New Year's Day [text and drive? I will cut your tail off Tadpole.] and he took out the back window of my car. Not to mention $12,000 worth of metal and seats and oh, hell..whatever else.  Thank God he didn't kill my Emily. Or my husband, or my Evelyn.  I have a small car....but Chevy did this one right.

Anyhoodle.....I knew where I wanted to place my special sticker.  But when I looked at the window and saw the girls' stickers from Band gone....I lost it.

LOST IT. To the tune of "Find a doorknob and a phone number, 'cause girl, there is a face full of pavement in your very near future. Get your behind inside."

It was as if the whole year just came down.  EVERYTHING, just hit me. My girls?  Where were they? I couldn't picture them safe. The boys?  Where? [They are all fine btw] but the doctors, the meds, the moving, the house, the commute, the pain.  But that blank glass window screamed back at me and I heard,  "YOU FAIL"

BOOM!  Stickers gone, but GUESS WHAT? "Hi - here's your life and it is sucking Skippy. Have YOU noticed?"

Happy isn't an illusion I work at. I am happy [and I don't know why I feel I have to say THAT], but I absolutely fell apart looking at that windshield. I still can't explain it.

I got back into the house and called Steven first.  I never bother Steven at work during this time of year, it's busy...and after two decades, HELLO, I get this. But? If I call he knows.  Unfortunately, he was on a job [rare] and his phone was in the truck.  Second choice? Not a good one, but I picked Emily. My 22 year old college senior.  I was freaking out and I thought if I could just hear her voice.....but no answer. I am kind of happy about that now.  We see her tomorrow.  Keep breathing Skip.

So, final choice?  My beloved MIL.

And yes, Tadpoles, she talked me right off that ledge.  I was panicking. If she hadn't have answered, my next call was my PC doctor and then 911. Evelyn wasn't home [thank goodness] but my MIL is the most rational person I know. And didn't make me feel like I was crazy - and guess what? She KNOWS NOTHING about what is going on, because we don't want to worry her.  My own Mom would've told me to shut up, get over and called 911 to have me committed. Seriously. [I am not slamming my Mom, she just always handled things by passing them off]  I wasn't incoherent today, I just felt like all the life had gone out of me....and the tears were taking my life with them. My shirt was soaked.

God Bless our Connie.  I so, so much am blessed by the family I was given by marrying Steven. She is a gift I will never take for granted.

I used to apologize for scary, worrisome, bad posts. Can't do that anymore.  This is what it is....

I DO apreciate your comments on this mornings post.  So much - so a raise of hands - who is glad I am back after this post? too.

See ya' on the flipside.  If you can handle me, I will be back tomorrow.  Love you all. Smile loudly. Life IS a gift.  Soaked shirt or not.


Susan Flett Swiderski said...

Of COURSE we're glad you're back, doofus. I'm sorry you had such a crappy day, but with all the emails we exchanged, why the hell didn't you tell me??? Sheesh. I can handle more than silly, ya know.

I'm sooooo glad your MIL was there for you. Know what? I have no doubt that you're as much of a blessing for her as she is for you.


Gypsy said...

God bless Steven's mom! I'm so glad you found the person you needed to talk to. I think looking at those stickers, representing your two daughters who could have been taken away from you, would have made me pass out for sure. You are better than you give yourself credit for and you held it all together until you found the person who could help you through it. Hang in there, girl!

SkippyMom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

You can always call me. I may not know what to say but I will always listen. Hugs my friend.

Teresa said...

God bless MILs! Of course, I could never call my MIL when I needed her because she had dementia. But, she was a wonderful woman who would have been there for me if she could have.

I think the missing stickers could have sent me over the edge because of what they represented. I have trouble passing a particular stretch of road because of what it represents. I have to travel that way M-F so I just try to make sure the timing of it is different than the timing of "that" day.

Keep on posting. We will still be here for you in whatever capacity you need from us.

ellen abbott said...

Yes, still glad. And glad you got hold of the right person at the right time.

Southhamsdarling said...

Crikey Skippy! What an horrendous day for you. But as you can see - are your devoted tadpoles put off?? NO. THEY ARE NOT! I think this writing is definitely going to be cathartic for you as well (I see someone else already said that). Thank the heavens for your wonderful mother in law, that's all I can say. The stickers were Obviously the catalyst for all that had been happening with you. I do hope you are feeling a little better today. Big hugs x

Tracy said...

Use this blog however you want. It is a great outlet for anything. You know we are on your side.

Tessa said...

Panic attacks are ugly, I have them more often since the cancer. Why, I don't even know. Something will trigger one and off I go with the not being able to catch my breath, and the shaking. I've come close to a nervous breakdown but never actually had one. But Skippy I do know what you went through and I wrap my arms around you to keep you safe. There are just some days where we can't control the things that we want to. Bless your MIL for being a rock for you. Big hugs my friend <3

Linda said...

I am glad you are better.

Sally said...

Selfishly, I am glad to have you back… I missed all of your posts! I thought of you often, thinking I should maybe e-mail you (but didn't want to bother you), so I would just say a prayer for you when you came to mind.

I'm glad you have such a wonderful MIL who was there for you with just what you needed. It's been nearly 12 years since I lost my brother (he was in a car accident) and I only just now (on a road trip vacation!) discovered that I have a lot of anxiety when passenging in the car for long periods of time. Anyway, this isn't about me. I'm just glad that your MIL was there with the support that you needed :)

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