Tuesday, July 9, 2013

The Expectations, They Are High

I know why I am angry. Or better, why I became so angry the other night.

Oh, and for what it is worth - I am not angry anymore.

But. . .Saturday was Steven's 57th birthday.  Knowing our family [and me] y'all realize this involves food.  Serious food.  Made from scratch. All day.

Steven and I were laughing in the weeks leading up to Father's Day because, as is custom in our home, he was trying to pick what he wanted for that day's dinner. And lunch. And breakfast.  The list was a page long before we started crossing things off.

But for his birthday dinner?  There is only one choice.  Fried chicken. Specifically my fried chicken. And white chocolate mousses pie for his birthday "cake".

The beautiful part is he cut up the chickens and after I made the flour/spice mixture Wallene coated it all.  But only one person can fry it and that is me.  Frying chicken and making pie takes some serious stand up time.

In the old days, no problem.  Now, as I explained to a Tadpole this morning, I do my best work in the mornings, start to fade by noon and I am toast by dinner time.

And I know if I work too hard one day, the next day will be a complete and utter wash. I will be unable to do a thing.

I can't accept this.  I just can't. And I don't know why I don't get it.

Instead of doing all of the work first thing in the morning I decided to make a huge breakfast instead.  French toast, sausage, eggs and fried potatoes.

They loved it.

I felt great.
I figured I could do it all. 
It was working.
Not so much.
By the time dinner rolled around the pain was such I couldn't stand upright to serve.

And Steven even made his world class potato salad, so it wasn't like I had a whole lot else to do for dinner and dessert. And Wallene just kept cleaning the kitchen.  I only had to do it one time.

They like to help. They want to help.
Y'all want to help.
Y'all get that they want to help.

Why do I not get this?  Why don't I realize that I can no longer do my job, a job that I love and take seriously?

The things is, I DO get it.  I know it.
I just don't want to know it. Or acknowledge it.

And I damn sure don't want to accept it.

Funny thing is, I have never felt like a stubborn person.  I hold fast to my convictions and beliefs, but stubborn isn't really me.  I also don't feel like a control freak.  Sometimes when I mention wanting to control my life I will get a random comment like "Well, that's the control freak in  you."

No, no it's not.  It's the need to keep a stability in my life that I am comfortable with and makes me happy.  Like it used to be.

That's not being stubborn or controlling. It is just my desire to have things the way they were.

I am tired of false hope. I am weary from the glimmer of what I used to be able to get done. What I could do that I can't anymore.

I LOVE being a Mom. I LOVE being Steven's wife.  But with all my tasks and responsibilities being taken over for me, what does that leave me?

A very empty soul.  Who gets angry that she can't grab it back. And doesn't see a future that includes her.

I don't yell at God. Heck, I don't even question him. I simply pray that things will get better.  But, I understand that God only gives you what you need and not necessarily what you want.

I know what I want.  I just have to accept that I truly have all I need*.  Right?

Thanks again for listening Tadpoles.  We'll see you on the flipside. xo Janine

*except some kick ass pain meds ::grin::


colenic said...

hugs...and lots of love to you...know that I am thinking of you every single day (multiple times) and hoping for your miracle..

Gypsy said...

My reaction is that you are more than what you can do, whether it be cook, bake, or whatever. Your family realizes that too. But it's a personal thing - our view of ourselves, and what makes us tick. You'll get it all back sweetie, and we will all rejoice with you.

ellen abbott said...

oh sweetie. god has certainly given you a tough row to hoe. do not feel worthless because you cannot do all the things you used to do, that you want to do, that you feel are yours to do. you still do one thing that no amount of pain can stop. you love. and they need that the most.

Unknown said...

You are in my prayers my friend and sending lot's of love and hugs your way xoxox Eva

Jean said...

Oh Baby - do I ever get you. I knew before you said it, what the problem is. It does seem too much to ask that you give up the very YOUness of you. You ARE the Mom and Wife. (Me too) It's what we do. It's who we are. All I can say is that you are so fortunate that Wallene and Pooldad are such avid fans of who you are that they have made themselves your apprentices. Even if you have to hand over the apron strings completely - you will have ensured your ways will be continued on for a long time.
But what to do when you can't? I know you aren't content to do nothing. That's the whole point.
Maybe you've done this already - but what about making a scrapbook of the family's favourite recipes - get Wallene to take pictures as she helps you create next time - of the crucial steps in each recipe - how awesome would that book be for your grandchildren? Add your cartoons and printing if you are able.
Leave space to add special dates when the dishes were/are served.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Ellen said it all. It is so hard to let others do things for you when you are the one that loves to do for them.

life in the mom lane said...

Well silly Skippy of course this would piss you off & depress you, you ARE the MOM!
I think Jean had a great idea about the recipes. Last Christmas I bought each of my daughters a copy of my "go to" cookbook. At Thanksgiving they got to good naturedly arguing about who was going to get my cookbooks when I go (not anytime soon) I got to thinking about it, they wanted the one that was beat up, had recipes stuffed in it, written instructions & changes to recipes I've made. I went through my beat up cookbook and copied page by page all of my scribbles into the new cookbooks, copied all of the papers I'd stuffed in the pages and stuffed the new cookbooks. To say they loved their cookbooks was an understatement!

By doing this you would be leaving them an important part of yourself. This is something you CAN do. Another is old photo albums, are people marked, so they know who they are? We came across my hubby's grandparents photo album from the 1930's/40's but besides his dad and grandparents, have no idea who anyone is?

This is turning into a book(sorry) but there are things you can do to keep you occupied and perhaps make what you can't physically do not seem less important in the scheme of things. Hugs & love Duke Mom #2 from Duke Mom # 1

Celia said...

Big hugs. You do what you can, and that's enough for me.

Lyndylou said...

I am so with you on this. When I was ill with Cancer, I rallied against all the things that limited my daily life. On good days, I would go for it and on bad days, I would be floored. But I still had enough energy to be mad about it all, crazy I know.

You are just doing the best you can in extra ordinary circumstances and you are perfectly entitled to be angry at the world if you choose to be! Hang in there my friend, keep that smile shining bright. xxx

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