Tuesday, April 28, 2015

How Willing Am I?

To save my marriage and my family?

This willing.

What debilitating pain looks like. The warmth of my husband holding me helps.

I know it sounds dramatic - but that's me "Skippy the drama Queen" - tough rocks. I don't care.

I have spoken of pain before. I have talked about the debilitating effects of conditions I didn't even know I had - only to discover the stuff was real and nothing was touching it.


I have a new pain that makes RA seem like birthday cake - with sprinkles and candles, no less - but this HURTS.  It is beyond hurting. This is a slamming door to the point you separate the door frame from the wall, you cry for 20 hours a day and wake up after a four hour nap knowing you cried in your sleep because your face is still wet. The kind of pain where you scream at your husband and your daughter because they are not getting it.

They have that stupid pain scale, right? The one that comes out of the doctor's mouth as "So on a scale of one to ten, where is your pain?" and they show that inane chart with the withering smiley faces?  I have gotten to the point where I look at them and say "Where is the one with tire marks running across it's face and Xs for eyes? THAT IS MY PAIN."  [They usually step away at that point, but I promise I am saying it quietly and without my eyes rolling back in my head.] I told the doctor and my nurses one time that I considered childbirth to be a 4, at the worst - and for me, and four kids? Yep that works. They shook their heads and went to correct me.  I stopped the doctor  from telling me "Oh no, ALL childbirth is at LEAST a 6."  I wanted to scream "Who the fuck are you and when is the last time you pushed a watermelon out of your body? IT IS NOT."  Sorry - but it pisses me off to be corrected when people who don't live in MY body but are book educated try to explain PAIN to me.

YOU, doctor sir, have no idea. No one has any idea and it is simply one more area where I am completely isolated from everyone and everything.

I am fed up with being asked if I am suicidal.  I retort "Why? Why do you ask? Do I look depressed? Act depressed? You bet your fucking socks that I am as depressed as I AM - but NO I AM NOT suicidal.  Had I been I would've shot myself long ago."  Yeesh.  I don't want more meds - I want LESS - I want to know how to FIX THIS.  No human being, living creature - oh hell - nothing should live like this. [As this is a blog I feel the need to point out that I am NOT diminishing other's struggles with mental health and suicidal feelings. They are real and their worlds, and I pray that they get the help they should have been allowed a long time ago -but?  I am not chemically imbalanced.  I am worn down and desperate from fatigue, pain and isolation.]

YET? I do LIVE LIKE THIS.  And you all see me play nicely and happily in the sandbox over on Facebook - but what you don't realize when I am talking about Evie's prom dress? Or Emily's graduation? While typing that, I have tears pouring down my face.  When I speak of our 20th anniversary in less than two weeks? My heart is happy but I am contemplating whether or not I can catch the garbage truck barreling down our street to just step in front of it.  At this point I think the mail truck could do a fair job. Considering.  The weight is going south AGAIN and Steven is starting his whole "I can tell her she is pretty. . . BUT? She looks like hell" marathon.

Put your thumb and forefinger around your wrist.  Make them touch.  Okay?  You shouldn't have a gap between your fingers and your skin on your wrist, or a smallish one if you are small boned.

Me?  I can fit a fucking SNICKERS bar in the gap between my fingers and my wrist.  The only weight I have on me now is due to swelling and water retention.

Oh joy - oh thrill - let's do the happy dance.  ::and the sarcasm drips, drips....and then it pours.::

So what am I willing to do now to alleviate this pain? To get me back to being marginally me?

I am going to take Lyrica again.

Even typing those words scare the living crap out of me.  If any Tadpole remembers the last time I took that drug I had such severe nightmares that Steven had to come home from work to help me.  He could not convince me that the older kids weren't hurt or dead.  I kept dreaming that Dee, Tee, Jr. and Squirrel had been [for lack of a better word] slaughtered.  And I couldn't help them. Save them.  These nightmares left me screaming, unable to wake myself up that my 13 year old daughter had to come into my room and physically shake me as hard as she could,  hurting me, to get me out of the fugue I was experiencing.

Steven and I finally decided that it was time I picked.  Functionality or debilitating pain?  Nightmares or me?

I picked pain free with the added gift of bloody nightmares.  Wish me luck while I figure out how not to sleep until they can reduce this swelling and take the damage away.

I tried to do happy Tadpoles. You simply have no idea right now how I can't. I am so sorry.


Unknown said...

Oh honey... DAMMIT... I hate all of this!!!!!!! I wish I could take all the pain away. Gentle hugs. Love you.

noexcuses said...

I don't even know you, but I wish I could take your pain away, too! I literally just read about pain and suffering this morning where it was said that it loses it's power when you share it. You have shared it...you got the first part out of the way. Also, by sharing, I can only imagine the people you have touched who may be experiencing the same thing. Good for you. Prayers for less pain and NO nightmares coming your way.

Unknown said...

Oh no!!! I'm so sad reading this that you have to go through all that pain. Sending big warm hugs all across the pond to you. (Squeeze) xx

Biz said...

I can see behind the happy face on Facebook and can see the tears on your face Skip, and it breaks my heart. I am happy you got this out there, screaming at the top of your lungs THIS ISN'T FUCKING FAIR!

I love you - hugs and love.

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick said...

I am dying for you right now.

ellen abbott said...

Oh sweetie. I have no words. I want so much for you to be well.

colenic said...

I am sitting at my desk with tears rolling down my face...dammit...it's not fair...you shouldn't have to do this again...I know that doesn't help...but I want to yell and scream...but most of all I want to make it go away for you. Know that I am sending thoughts, love, hugs and even prayers for you....I love you to the moon and back...

Gypsy said...

Is it possible to take a smaller dose, at least to begin with - say, cut the pill in half? I know doctors say you should start with the full dose and THEN cut back, but any time I've done that I ended up throwing the damn stuff in the garbage because of side effects. I wish you would try that at least for a few days - you don't have to mention it to the doctor. You are loved and so many people are pulling for you - I hope the energy from it can lift you up a bit.

CWMartin said...

I wish I could take it for you. Then I could jump out in front of the truck and you could get back to your life. I know I can't, and I know that makes it easy to say. I just wish there was something.

life in the mom lane said...

Oh sweetie, I'm sorry. ��

Sally said...

I was just thinking of you the other day, and wondering how you are, but I really didn't relish reading this one, especially knowing there is nothing that I can do for you. I will certainly keep you in my prayers. My mom had pain for years with her knees (which I know in no way compare to your pain) and I know how that wore her down, emotionally, and so I'm sad for you. I will be thinking of you and praying.

1st Man said...

It would be awesome if all of us tadpoles could take just a fraction of your pain away. It would'd hurt us and then added up, it would take it all away from you.

Know that you are loved!

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

1st Man got it right. I'm sure everyone who knows you would willingly and happily take some of your pain away if they could.

I just sent you an email, but wanted to take a sec to leave a comment here, too. (Smarticus can wait just one doggone minute...) Take care, sweetie. I pray that this too shall pass.

XOX 12:34

Sous Gal said...

This hurts my heart. Can't IMAGINE this pain that you so aptly describe which I am SURE there are no words to explain just how awful it is. You and Steve were THE kindest souls on the face of the earth and beyond to me in my time of need and desperation and unfathomable fear. Some how, some way, this pain must be taken from you. I'm praying for you and Steve and the kids and the pets. This is wrong that you should be suffering like this :(

lotta joy said...

I can handle pain. I've had lots of practice. What I can't handle are the two times in the past five years when I had no choice but go to the ER and beg for a morphine drip. Two cat scans each time showed "There's nothing wrong with you." As I writhed in pain. I'd be given the morphine, a pat on the head, and sent home.

Last week, same scenario. But finally, when I said "Don't touch my ribs! I can't breathe, and my ribs are out of line!" Someone listened to me and got this look of fear on his face.

Fibromyalgia, along with inflamed muscles and cartilage so bad it was shoving my ribs outward!

An offering of Lyrica nearly caused me hysteria. So, no to that. Pain brings such sadness automatically, and both are debilitating. I UNDERSTAND.

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