Friday, August 29, 2014

What Do You Say?

When you discover, by accident, that your daughter shared this with a friend:

"My Mom is dying from congestive heart failure and liver disease.  I don't know how I will live without her."

I know the kids know. I know.

But what do you say? How do you assuage their fear?

Sometimes I mitigate my illnesses by reminding myself that the older kids are established. Own homes, are engaged, working their careers. . .

And then I look at Evie Lou and remember.  She hasn't been given the same amount of time with me, and she is truly scared.

I forget that Evie is only [soon to be] 17 years old, because y'all know she is my partner in crime, my foil, my best friend and I can't get outside of these four walls most days.

I have never wanted one of my kids to be a *friend*.  I am the mom. They are the kid.  Friends come later.  When they are growing up it is parent and kid.  There's a difference.

I like that.  It has worked well....but Evie?

Things changed.

I don't want to leave anyone. I think of them, each, individually.  It breaks my heart to know I am letting down all the kids and Steven.

But I especially don't want to leave my ViVaLyn alone without me.

The words she wrote to her friend scared me more than anything I have ever experienced in my entire life.

And? What do I say?


CWMartin said...

I know what you mean- KC and I have been more friends than father/son for a long time. And really, I've only had to establish the boundary once, by bouncing his head off Laurie's floor. (Not as bad as it sounds). But How you respond to her fear? That I can't begin to know. But what is, is, and it's too late to change the rules now.

ellen abbott said...

there is nothing you can say. and hey, you're not dead yet and you are on the transplant list. love to you sweetie.

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

I don't know, sweetie. I wish I did. Be heartened, though, to know Evie has a friend she can share her deepest concerns with, and she has LOTS of people who care about her. You and your hubby have done a wonderful job raising your kids, and that will never change. You just keep on keeping on... and we'll keep praying you get the call for your transplant.

Sous Gal said...

Oh dear heart. My son ran, (remember?) when I had C. I'd always made everything okay, he said. Cherish your daughter and your relationship. And the realness of you and Steven and all the chilluns and family both there and here. You're better than what ails you.

Juli said...

The answer is simple. There's nothing you can say. Feel comfort in knowing that she has a friend that she can confide this with, and for pray that you once again can rip up the toe tags they keep giving you and that she never needs to know what she'll do without you.

No one is ever ready to lose a parent J... regardless of their relationship (be it friend/parent/fr-enemy).. or age. In a way, maybe the fact that you are living in THIS moment ensures you have a closer relationship than other parent/child folks who go day to day thinking death can't (won't) knock on their door.


Jean said...

It is perfectly normal that she should be afraid - no one wants to lose their Mom - even when they are old and crotchedy and ready to go.

But you haven't let anyone down.

Your relationship is precious - you've dropped the barriers because you don't have the time to be just the strict Mom and be friends later - you have to love each other the best in all the ways you can now - which is how we all should live because we never know when disaster might strike.

Yum Yucky said...

Not quite there yet, but I strive to have the wonderful relationship you have with your children. You are a good mother and you are NOT letting anyone down.

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