Saturday, November 28, 2009


I had a few interesting conversations with our sons over the holidays and it has left me to sit here and wonder.

I wonder "What the hell?" I simply do not get the deaths of Pooldad's and my first spouses.

When talking to my [step]son about his Mom's death he said that she had been struggling for years and he felt her battles were too great for her to handle. He said that he was relieved that she was finally at peace and in a better place. He also told me that she accidently overdosed.

Huh? What? Not the O/D - but the better place? How unhappy was this woman? WHY was she so miserable? What were her battles?

Then talking to JR he related that SR didn't, in fact, overdose he had died from a heart attack, at 38, brought on by years of heavy alcohol abuse. How do you die at such a young age from that? How can you be so miserable that you have consumed that amount of alcohol, by that age, to cause your own demise? What the hell is going on?

I may be overthinking this [me? overthink something? no way....] but I finally had to go back to bed last night. I couldn't stand the fact that these people were gone and they had been so, so, so unhappy for so long. Why didn't they call? Reach out? How come I didn't know?

I don't usually go over the whys and the wherefores of death. Goodness knows I have been to my share of funerals of very close friends and beloved family members, but these two deaths are bothering me.

I know I can't bring them back and our life for the past decade and a half has been fraught with a lot of battles, but I swear I never wished these two dead. Now that they are gone and I know I won't be getting anymore phonecalls, nasty letters or a vile visit - but I don't find myself assured by this. It is almost as I wish the phone would ring or a court order would show up on the door. Heck, child support payments would be welcome if they would just not be dead. Does that make sense?

After SR and I were divorced he called me one day and was being particularly pricky - but I just laughed and made a joke about child support. He laughed back and said "That is what I like about you Skippy - you have never lost your sense of humor. No matter what I do you can still laugh." I responded that I had to laugh, what else was I going to do?

I think what bothers me the most is I don't see the humor here, at all. Not that I should [honestly] - but everyone that is in our lives [for reals] seem to think this is some kind of great karma for all these two put us through the past 15 years.

I don't see it.


Gizmo said...

This road is a particularly slippery slope. We found ourselves in a similar position a few years back, with Superman's EX. You are a caring person, and that's why you're willing to walk through HELL again. BUT, these weren't your decisions to make. Maybe that's why it weighs so heavy on you. It might also be the time of year that is adding to the weight. Grieve their loss, comfort the children and when you get to the Pearly Gates - ask Him all these questions. He'll tell you, but not until you've arrived at the gate.

Jeannie said...

It sounds like your ex had serious issues and knew that he behaved badly because of them. He lacked your fortitude and likely admired it while at the same time wanting to make your life hell because why the hell should you be happy if he isn't. (even if you were only less miserable than he was)

It doesn't really take all that long for heavy drinking to take it's toll. My Dad drank quite a lot for years - it was part of the lifestyle but after he retired and ran out of stuff to do, he decided to drink himself to death. It took him about 10 years. I had a friend who drank herself to death and she was likely younger than 38. Hers was alcohol poisoning I believe. I'm sure if your ex's heart had a flaw, it would be the first organ to give out under the stress of alcohol. Poor nutrition is also a likely component.
I don't know either what gives one person a strong character and another little will to live. Perhaps we are born with it. Add the various challenges that life throws at us and some give up while others fight back even harder. Cultural acceptance plays a role too. If your stepson has such peace about his mother's death, you can likely believe she had many demons. Perhaps he does not know all of them either. Many people do not share those things that bother them due to shame or because they simply don't want to seem to be making a mountain out of a molehill. Life seems just too hard.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

I wonder about a lot of things. I am still waiting for the autopsy results from my son's death. The only certainty now is that he is dead, but not why. Even with the final results I doubt that I will know why.

Linda and Denny said...

Take Gizmo's advice to heart--she's very wise. Don't beat yourself up over someone else's actions or because you didn't see their misery. In the end, we are only responsible for ourselves, hard as that is to accept. You took the high road for all these years and dealt with your situations with grace and humor. They couldn't and didn't and that made the difference. Your sons seem to be dealing with the death of their individual parents well, so stay in the present for them.