I wonder "What the hell?" I simply do not get the deaths of Pooldad's and my first spouses.
When talking to my [step]son about his Mom's death he said that she had been struggling for years and he felt her battles were too great for her to handle. He said that he was relieved that she was finally at peace and in a better place. He also told me that she accidently overdosed.
Huh? What? Not the O/D - but the better place? How unhappy was this woman? WHY was she so miserable? What were her battles?
Then talking to JR he related that SR didn't, in fact, overdose he had died from a heart attack, at 38, brought on by years of heavy alcohol abuse. How do you die at such a young age from that? How can you be so miserable that you have consumed that amount of alcohol, by that age, to cause your own demise? What the hell is going on?
I may be overthinking this [
I don't usually go over the whys and the wherefores of death. Goodness knows I have been to my share of funerals of very close friends and beloved family members, but these two deaths are bothering me.
I know I can't bring them back and our life for the past decade and a half has been fraught with a lot of battles, but I swear I never wished these two dead. Now that they are gone and I know I won't be getting anymore phonecalls, nasty letters or a vile visit - but I don't find myself assured by this. It is almost as I wish the phone would ring or a court order would show up on the door. Heck, child support payments would be welcome if they would just not be dead. Does that make sense?
After SR and I were divorced he called me one day and was being particularly pricky - but I just laughed and made a joke about child support. He laughed back and said "That is what I like about you Skippy - you have never lost your sense of humor. No matter what I do you can still laugh." I responded that I had to laugh, what else was I going to do?
I think what bothers me the most is I don't see the humor here, at all. Not that I should [honestly] - but everyone that is in our lives [for reals] seem to think this is some kind of great karma for all these two put us through the past 15 years.
I don't see it.