Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Being a Parent is Hard - Being My Kid? Harder

No parent ever wants to see their little girl cry. Over a skinned knee, a high school disappointment, a broken heart - nothing hurts a parent's heart more than to see the pain in their child's eyes.
What is worse than knowing somone or something has hurt your child is the realization that you did it to her yourself. As inadvertent as it may have been at the time, it is crushing to know that you [and her Dad] did the deed this time. Something you have protected her from birth and avoided at all costs because the pain in your heart was too much to bear when you saw the pain in her eyes.

I honestly didn't realize what we did [didn't do] would hurt the Squirrel so deeply. And I know there is no way to go back and make it better. I can't bring back that one hour. It wasn't something we said - it was something we didn't do and it was because of this stupid, f*ck*ing Lupus. But she doesn't understand and I get that - still I can't bear the thought that she is in her room crying her eyes out because I am such an incapable parent and I took her Dad down with me.
There really is no excuse. I had no right to hurt her. I honestly didn't mean to, but it doesn't change that it happened. And I have no way to fix it now.
I realize the true, physical pain in my heart as I type this isn't half of what I know my little girl is feeling right now and I just wish, wish, wish...it would go away.
I am tired of sucking.


Jeannie said...

One day she will understand. Or forgive you anyway. Just don't beat yourself up - parents can make mistakes/bad judgment calls/even do what's right - and the kids get hurt.

Rudee said...

Forgiveness is a major part of living a complete life. It starts with forgiving yourself. No matter what transpired, you do deserve to do at least that for yourself.


ellen abbott said...

Oh sweetie. All us parents make our kids cry and feel miserable. For their own good or by mistake.

We are human. Can't get around that and no matter how great a parent we want to be, our humanness gets in the way sometimes.

She'll get over it and she will still love you just as you still love her when she is hurtful.

So forgive yourself, give her a hug and an apology if you think it's called for and enjoy your Thanksgiving.

Life in the mom lane said...

We have all at one time or another failed our children in some way. But that is what makes us human...

I understand how you feel, because I have been there myself, unfortunately there are times when circumstances which are out of our control interfere... keep the lines of communication open, be honest with your daughter, she may not understand now... but at some point she will.

Hang in there...do NOT beat yourself up- you do NOT SUCK- being a parent is not for wimps!

Anonymous said...

Hey no one is perfect. Time mends things.

Linda and Denny said...

I can't add anything to what some very smart and compassionate tadpoles haven't already said much better than I ever could.

Sometimes life sucks, but you don't. When the Squirrel is ready, she'll listen and learn. It hurts to discover your parents aren't perfect, that they screw up and that sometimes they aren't there for us when we believe they should be. It's a painful life lesson indeed.