What is worse than knowing somone or something has hurt your child is the realization that you did it to her yourself. As inadvertent as it may have been at the time, it is crushing to know that you [and her Dad] did the deed this time. Something you have protected her from birth and avoided at all costs because the pain in your heart was too much to bear when you saw the pain in her eyes.
I honestly didn't realize what we did [didn't do] would hurt the Squirrel so deeply. And I know there is no way to go back and make it better. I can't bring back that one hour. It wasn't something we said - it was something we didn't do and it was because of this stupid, f*ck*ing Lupus. But she doesn't understand and I get that - still I can't bear the thought that she is in her room crying her eyes out because I am such an incapable parent and I took her Dad down with me.
There really is no excuse. I had no right to hurt her. I honestly didn't mean to, but it doesn't change that it happened. And I have no way to fix it now.
I realize the true, physical pain in my heart as I type this isn't half of what I know my little girl is feeling right now and I just wish, wish, wish...it would go away.
I am tired of sucking.