Don't Poke The Skippy

I am getting a bit fed up.  Really. . .

For the Tadpole across the pond.
I get the Moonface sweetheart.

And this. . .it's too beautiful not to, eh?

But I will get back to the title in a moment.  Let me just say my beloved read the last post and didn't realize how frustrating it has been for me out here in the hinterlands, and as he always does. . .he fixed it.

He fixes everything ::swoon::

No, really, he does. Oh, c'mon. You guys know he does.

I will have internet, as it is allowed.  He knows how much I love you all, as he and the kids love you, but he didn't see how hard I was hiding it, not having you guys here. With me.

I don't need email, or the interwebs to do daily business [try it. . .believe me, you can do it] but not knowing what and where and how y'all are doing was tearing me up.

I kind of lost the Skippyshit yesterday when I realized, rushing around, that I couldn't get to y'all on 15 bucks. 4 hours and I couldn't leave more than 4 comments. I couldn't.

F.R.U.S.T.R.A.T.I.NG.

Steven sees everything, knows all, when it comes to me, except what I  try to downplay.

And downplay I did. OH heck, it's the least I can do.
He has almost a five hour round trip commute, and has to work too.  Plus?

He walks in the door everynight wondering whether or not I am going to be lying on the floor, dead.

So, yeah. I downplayed the internet, blog, Skippy thing. I do what I can, where I can.

I just felt that the whole blogging thing was a little lesser entity then what was going on here in the pond.

Then he saw me, yesterday, when I broke down over the usage and what I couldn't get done in regards to all my Tadpoles.

I read one entry after another and saw how y'all are going through life and how hard you are having a time.  I can't go into specifics - but you read the comments I could leave. I hope.  As connecting as this whole inter-world is, it is so disconcerting.  I can't get to you. Even on 15 bucks.

My gosh, Tadpoles.

Y'all have been so, so,  so generous, gracious and giving to me, Steven and the kids.  I can't even begin to describe what you have given us.

Then I realize I have done nothing but whine for the last four years.  I am truly worn out - but a lot of you have hung in here.  Paddling along with me.

I am awestruck that I have any friends here, sometimes, considering.
I think you all feel like I do.
Either succumb to the doctors terminal progress toe tag or get better.

Drop dead Janine or get better.

Let the other shoe drop and then bury it.

There, I said it. 

I wish it was that simple. I do.  I want an end result as much as Steven and the kids.  We want an answer. Of course no one wants me to die, but the waiting, the wondering and the ups, downs and sideways - suck.

I looked at Wallene this morning as I was filling my pill case and I realized after adding the newest round of chemotherapy pills that are supposed to put me in remission, that I had no more room in the "AM" slot. 
I mentioned as much out loud. 
She knows.
This doesn't make me a bad Mom for sharing with her, because really - who lies to Wallene?
Not me. And you better not either. 
She knows.

As only Wallene can do she looked at me and said "Mom, I think you need a bigger boat."

::giggle::

Now, you have to know my youngest and her favorite all time movie. 
Many of you know.
It is "JAWS". 
Okay, if you know the movie - you get the reference.
PERFECT.
I laughed so hard I seized. And then I laid down for an hour.
This child.  This child.  Makes me live.
As do you.


In the lilypads, pussywillows and swamp that is this life - my husband buys me time.
My daughters add the pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters to the meter.

I am a rich women.

I feel like I spend my life explaining that I write this blog for Steven, the girls and the older kids.  Then I get an extra special smile  on my face, realizing I was blessed with y'all - the bank where I get to deposit all of these riches.
To you.

I write "I Make Soap" so they won't forget.  And now our family of seven has grown to over 100.
We love everyone of you, and miss you terribly.

Each of you is unique, special and I have never left a comment or email that wasn't heartfelt. I applaud you, kiss you smoochily, and worry when it isn't the way you want.  I cry, and my heart breaks, when you are in pain and loss.

I wonder how y'all do what you do.
How you survive.
And how. . .you put one foot in front of the other. And. . .

why. . . you keep coming around here.

Even I get weary of my health and my whining.  I am the one  ON this rollercoaster. You guys have a ticket and just choose to watch.  You are along for the ride, and catch me when I fall - but why?

I don't really need an explanation. It would narcissistic on my part, and I am not that. 

I don't lie.
I don't cheat.
I don't steal.

I live the most honest life I can, here in Virginia, our real life. 
I also put it forth on this blog. 
If I don't provide specific details to our situation or my health - well, then tough sh&*.
It isn't my job to be specific to the interwebs. My family will read this and know, in the future, what I was referring to, as they are here watching this mess.

As a Tadpole. . . 
If you want to stop watching the roller coaster that is my life - so be it.  But don't question me, don't compare Steven's and my situation to your own.  You don't know. And it certainly isn't yours when it comes to us having to move.  That was a unique situation dealing with us having a deadline that we honored to make it easier on another party. 
We didn't leave anyone holding the bag for monies or a mortgage.
Leave it be.  Don't write, call or write about this.  I am done.

And can I say one more thing? 
Heck, my blog, my rules.

 I have an incredible amount of respect for the medical profession. I have to.  They are doing something to keep me here so far, but. . .I only know nurses through this blog.  I have never had a doctor comment. And although I do respect all nurses opinions, and feel they get a shorter shift by doctors, please don't judge me on what I choose or don't  choose to do with my health.  I am the most proactive person dealing with this, with the help of my husband.  Considering the list of what is wrong with me, and what we are told by several different doctors, and trying to balance this medication with that and that one with this one - just get off of what you think you know. And leave me alone. You don't have specifics, for a reason. It's none of your business. And you don't know much of anything.

Nursing school, especially you not having a BSN, is not helping me, or anyone else, when you criticize.

Okay, did we get the "Don't poke Skippy" part of this? Goody.

I would love to apologize Tadpoles, but I can't.  I am me. And I do the best I can. 

My blog, why should I?  Change the channel.  I don't care.  I know who my friends are.  And what is important to me.

It's all I need.

I will stay happy, content and accepting. It doesn't mean I have to be constantly brought into your world of drama.  [Speaking of the ones "Poking" Skippy]

I saw a picture the other day - it said "I am not tall enough to ride your emotional roller coaster." [credit: Juli/Surving Boys Blog] And I thought that was perfect to describe you.  Can't you leave me alone now?  STOP poking me.  It's old. And I hate it.

I have enough not to deal with this anymore.  Do you get it now, like you didn't a year ago?  Goody.

See ya' on the flipside Tadpoles.  And don't poke me. It physically hurts. It's tiresome and it's just plain old rude.

xo Janine [SkippyMom]

VERIZON YOU SUCK

[yes, that is Janine, in the country]
"I am the Verizon Skink. I ate your interwebz. deaaaalz."

They sucked when I had them in our home in Sterling and now they are my only chance, through MIFI to have them out here, in the sticks.

BASTARDS.

It's the expense.  I can't do it.  It is a complete ripoff.

I paid $15 USD at 1 pm today for 250 mb of  use. Granted, not a lot, but all I do is read blogs and email.  I am not making movies or surfing p0rn for goodness sakes.

So at 3:15 pm I notice a 50% usage warning.

Now at 5:25 pm I am at 90%.

What the heck?

I give up.  I just give up.

See ya.

Sometime.
Somewhere.
I can't afford this crap anymore.

OH, and for what it is worth I paid $60 this past Friday for 6 mb of usage.  Wallene and I used that up by Monday evening. Doing what I don't know and I don't care.  It shouldn't cost this much.  I am not driving, with gas I can't afford, to be on here.

There is no flipside to this.

Don't say goodbye.   Just say "See ya' later." and wave.

This is so completely screwed up.  Comments are closed because, really? Why does it matter?  I can't read 'em or respond.

Buying a Gallon of Milk is a Major Commitment

It would be quite an understatement to say we live a bit of a ways away.  Far away from anything.

Your entire day is planned around one car ride.  A serious time commitment for miles driven. Railroad tracks bumpity, bumped, bumped, bumped over [3 sets] or even planning around the train schedule. 

There is no simple jaunt to the corner grocer.
 No gas station or 7-11 within less than the miles equal to 2 gallons of gas - there is virtually nothing out here.

You want milk? You are on a search party mission to the pantry, the fridge and your stash of cleaning/hygiene products for what you need. You write lists constantly. I write them in my dreams.  You do not want to make this trip more than once.  Nor do you want to waste the gas having to go back out because .  . .oops! You just realized your dog actually can't live on cicadas alone.  As much as she thinks she can ::ick:: kibble is a necessity.

Hey, I am not complaining.  We could be living in our cars, somewhere in suburbia. ::don't think that idea wasn't discussed. I would've had the studio.Ozcarz. Wallene would've been living with Dad in the condo/Murphyvan::

As it is, we got a pretty nasty shock in the middle of April and were faced with moving out of our home in 15 days.  It's too much to explain, and honestly not pertinent to anyone but Steven and I, so I won't go into the juicy details.  Okay?

Just one more hiccup in the life that is ours.  A life neither of us would change, we know, because the pay offs have always far outweighed the heartache, the laughs drown out the tears and the love deepens with each passing day.

It's what it is all about. 

I think the most frustrating thing for us right now is missing the familiar.

Our home. Our friends. My doctors and hospital. Our church. Our family, who are now even further away. . .

Lying in bed in the early morning darkness I fret.  Thinking of everything we have lost.

Then I roll over and see my husband.  I give him a quick kiss good morning, walk out to put on coffee, only to trip over Spot.  Laughing [okay, cursing under my breath, but imagine me laughing if you will, as it paints a much prettier picture] I pick myself up and notice our youngest has fallen asleep on the sofa.  I walk over and tug the comfort up over her shoulders.  I give her a quick kiss too, because by now I can hear the shower running and I know that Steven has to leave by 4:30 am for his two hour commute to work.

I grab a cup of coffee and go outside.

As I sit on the back porch, listening to the rain and the train whistle in the distance, I realize that my familiar is here. 

My familiar is wherever they are and I am with them.

I haven't lost anything.

Suddenly I don't miss Sterling, VA so much and I realize Louisa is starting to feel a little bit more like home.

And I smile. Again.
Life is a gift so smile loudly Tadpoles.
We'll see you on the flipside.

xo Janine [SkippyMom]

"I may not have been the most impressive person to love you,

but I know that I was the person that loved you the most impressively."

 

 

Original, untouched, photo courtesy of Wallene. 05.2013

Photo and quote copyrighted to SkippyMom.blogspot.com, SkippyMom/Janine and Wallene.

The Beauty Amazes Me

Spider Web

Wallene. 06.15.2013

 



Steven, I love you. . .

so much.

xo Janine

No One's Dead. . .Yet

And that is about the best I can say at this point.

Wow. Hee. . .I am truly smiling as I write this and I promise it's all good. 

Well, if you don't count the dog going into convulsions yesterday with me knowing the closest vet is two hours away. "Hi Honey. How's work?  I know life sucks right now but the dog is seizing at my feet.  No, I don't know what happened.  There is just a lot of drool and spasms.  I see blue. Do dogs excrete blue foam when they are dying? What? No, I don't know what she ate. ::sob:: Come home soon. Mwah! Kisses xoxo"

And I am going to get a lot of hate email on this, but the dog dying would've been the least of our problems.  Y'all know how much we love her, but, I thought this can't be happening, not now, but it does.

At this point we don't have enough feet for the "other shoe dropping" scenarios that have been occurring.

Scary moment with our pup to be sure. I honestly thought Pooldad was going to turn around and drive two hours back to take care of the dog. And me.  But I assure you Spot is fine.  Now.  As soon as I was done kicking her arse for scaring the beejeebees out of me.  grrrrr

And well. . .

Life. It's happened.

But, no, really. It's all good.
I swear.

I have missed y'all so much and if you couldn't tell, life has pretty much gotten in our way, as it tends to do sometimes, and Pooldad and I have found ourselves paddling upstream as fast as we can.
With one paddle.
And an amazing amount of holes in our canoe.

Sigh.  Analogies and metaphors - they're the bread and butter of being a woman, aren't they?

Anyhoodle. . .I have a serious post to write and I suppose I should've been writing it all along - but one day to the next is a surprise to us and I honestly don't know how relevant anything I put up here would be at any given moment.

I do promise that everyone is fine - a roof over our heads, a dry bed to sleep in, food for our bellies - and of course, more love than should be legally allowed in any state - but other than that? 

Not so much.

No worries Tadpoles.  Don't forget - Life is a gift. Smile LOUDLY.

I am going to post this picture that my daughter took.
It sort of sums up our world right now.
Bravo Wallene.

That's a cow.
'Nuf said.

See ya' on the flipside of sketchy interwebs.  Love and miss y'all so terribly much.
xo Skippy