Sunday, September 4, 2011

The Pain? It's All Relative . . .

14 years ago I was 8 1/2 months pregnant, laying on our couch, at 2 am, counting the minutes between contractions. [Don't worry. I detail breakfast better than the childbirth part. It's safe.]

The kids were asleep, as was Dad, but since I had done this three times before I wasn't worried.  10 minutes, then it went to 8 minutes and so on through the night.

No big deal.  Pooldad woke up at six a.m. and asked "So, am I going to work today?"  I calmly replied "No. Let's get the little ones off to school and then call the doctor."

We did and the doctor told me to come in right away and to not eat anything before I got there.

Did I mention I had done this before? We stopped at a local diner and I had the best french toast, hashbrowns and chocolate milk ever.  I knew I was going to be in labor for a while and darned if I wasn't eating.  Yum. I can still taste that french toast. [I had to throw that little tid bit in. That was some really good french toast. Let me tell you.]

Anyhoodle, when we got there, low and behold, I was in labor and 5 centimeters dialated.  That was at 9 am.  Not to be too specific or personal - our little sweetheart was born 8 hours later.  At 4:51 pm on September 4th, 1997.

Yep! Today is Wallene's 14th birthday.  I couldn't be happier for our surprise [and believe me, she was a surprise] and the joy she brings to us every single day.  The best part of my day is 4 pm, when she walks in the door from school with all her stories and jokes and whatnot.

She is a gift that I never expected after I was blessed with Pooldad.  It was like God decided to double my great luck and reward me with more smiles that light my world! YAY!

The reason for the post title?  Tonight I sit here at 2 am and I am in pain. Extreme pain.  Pain that I can't solve.  Not because I am in labor or I am getting a gift that will enhance my life, but because I have over extended myself for the love of all my babies.

Now, that sounds very "woe is me" and "aren't I great?" But it isn't meant to be.  It is actually the opposite.

There are so many things I want to do that I can't. There are so many things that I need to do that I shouldn't and sometimes I forget [ignore] that I can't.  I CAN'T DO IT.  And when I say I CAN my family gets all cheery and pulls out the wheelchair and off we go!  I see how much they want it and I can't say no.

A combination of things converged this week to absolutely wreck me. I try to be happy, happy [okay, the last post doesn't count] but usually I am.  In real life and on my blog.  Skippy has a reason.

But...

I am mad at myself.  But also sad, because I can't DO.  Sad because I know how important it is to them that I try. Sad because I fail.  Sad because they all still want to believe I am not sick and it will be okay. I appear physically healthy when I don't move.  Sad because I can't lift my arm and walking hurts. Mad because we don't have health insurance. There is no way to manage this pain. Frustrated because I am awake at 2  am and can't sleep. For the pain.  Heartbroken because I am dying and THERE ARE NO ANSWERS.

Crying because I can't go back 14 years and start all over and make it turn out different. If the doctors had just figured out why my anemia was so severe when I had Wallene [or Natalie, JR or Squirrel] I wouldn't be in this mess. Or if I had just pushed harder for a diagnosis. Why?  Heck, I had great insurance with all of them. They could've done so much more.

I guess the pain is relative.  You can feel immense pain and be rewarded and you can feel intense pain and feel as though you are being punished.

It just depends on how you choose to view it I suppose.  I am running out of the strength to see through this pain and look at the rewards I would receive. The happiness of my family.  The excitement when they get Mom back for a moment or two.  The pain is outweighing the payoff. That makes me saddest of all.

It is almost too much Tadpoles.  I just don't know what to do anymore.

17 comments:

RV Vagabonds said...

I wish I could help. Take the pain away, make it all better. You should be able to enjoy Wallene's birthday and her every day without suffering. I'm sorry, so very, very sorry.

Eva Marie said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your pain, my dear friend. Sending warm hugs all the way from Ireland.

becca said...

wishing i could help in some way so sorry you are in pain. sending healing thoughts and lots of hugs

Ps happy birthday to Wallene

CWMartin said...

One of the reasons I don't do a lot of complaining on my blog. I have so many blog friends like you going through things so much worse than anything I face. I can understand the frustration, if nothing else. And when the frustration builds up, all of the "it's for a reason" sermons mean nothing. All I can say is, you have a wonderful family there to pick you up when you struggle and a lot of internet friends whose thoughts and prayers are with you. Focus on those things you have,not things you cannot control. Easy for me, I know.

colenic said...

If I could take away all the pain....If I could help in any way..if the "ifs" were solutions we would all be able to help.. the most I can do is send love and hugs and tell you that I am thinking about you...I hope that Wallene has a great day and that by some miracle (maybe all the blog wishes coming together) your pain will go away..love ya and hugs to Wallene

ellen abbott said...

Oh Skippy, you are making me cry. I wish, I wish, I wish I could make you better. I guess I didn't realize you didn't have health insurance, like me. It's a terrible thing the way this country just doesn't care that wonderful loved happy smart people die when they should not just because they can't afford health insurance. People like us are dismissed by doctors. I am fortunate that my personal woes are minor, thyroid and cholesterol, though I suspect something weird going on with my throat but I can't afford to even have it checked out.

Vicki said...

I'm sorry that you're in pain and going through so much. It always seems so much worse when stuff like this happens to nice people. =(

Knitty said...

I have no helpful words, just a hug (((Skippy))) and warm wishes for Wallene's birthday.

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

i wish i could help and i understand both sides of this equation. watching ron slip away and being grateful for every "normal" minute that we have doesn't make the watching any less painful for either of us. now, i'm to the age that taking care of him is getting harder and harder (i'm in a lot of pain that i can't (don't dare) talk about because it's not as bad as what he's going through and makes me look like a selfish b**ch - and if i do, then he feels badly that he's "making" me go through these things.

happy birthday to your girl - one of the sweetest kiddos i can think of.

the helplessness i feel is in no way on the same level as what you (or ron) must feel, but i can sure understand where you're coming from.

chin up... you're a tough cookie and i know you'll find the strength (and you already have the grace) to face the challenges ahead.

Sous Gal said...

{HUGS}!!!!! This is a place for you to vent. You are surrounded here as well with friends and people who love you and care so very much about you! IS there something more that can be done? Can we ship you up here? :)

Kathy's Klothesline said...

You have not failed! The system may have failed you, but you have done your very best. I found a clinic that has a sliding pay scale based on income. We have been using it and it is sufficient for routine stuff. I have no idea how it would be for diagnosing something complicated, though. I hope that you find some rest and relief from the pain. I am sending prayers and good thoughts your way.

Thisisme. said...

My dear friend Skippy, this post made me so, so sad. I just wish there was something I could do. You're always so generous with others, always leave such lovely comments for us, and there you are in this terrible pain. I can understand how difficult and frustrating it must all be for you, especially when the family get so excited when you say 'yes', even though you might not really be up to it. You are such a good, loving decent person with that lovely family of yours. All I can do is to send you a big hug from across the pond, and pray that the pain, at least, will ease for you. Chin up my friend.

Jo-Anne Rambling said...

I so hate reading about how you are suffering and not being able to do anything to make you feel better and take your pain away........

Julianna said...

Just Catching up...

(((Hugs)))

sapphireblue said...

Big hugs!

Rudee said...

Happy belated birthday to your beautiful daughter.

From deep in my heart, I'm sorry you're suffering. I wish there was some way you could get the help you need.

life in the mom lane said...

Oh my dear friend.... I am back after a long absence and I came to your blog first.
I caught up a bit and was sad to hear what a difficult time you are having.
I know that you will do as you always do, you will take a breath, and continue on. You will continue to try and shield your family from what you can. You will simply do it because it is what you do.

In my heart it shames me to think how I whine and moan, when someone as kind and gracious as you has so much to deal with- my problems seem small in comparison.

Get through the bad days, and treasure the good... and know that there are many of your tadpoles who are praying for you.
Hugs to you my friend,
#1 Duke mom :)