Friday, January 15, 2010

Oh Baby, Please Don't Go....

There is actually a lot a Momma can get done with the internet while in bed for two weeks [with no end in sight, tyvm. shit] The biggest thing I have been doing is organizing and following up on are the Squirrel's college applications and financial forms. Seems everyone has a different deadline, a different piece of paper they require or they must have a sample of her DNA. It is ridiculous. I can't tell you. I have numbers coming out of my ears at this point - SAT, ACT, SSN, Height, Weight, number of fingers, toes, brothers, sisters - you get the idea.

There is a downfall to this busy-work tho'. It makes me realize that in less than 9 months my beauty is leaving. Me. Daddy. Wallene. And it makes me so sad. I am excited for her. I want her to succeed and fulfill her lifetime dreams, but...well, I want her to stay. With me.

I don't want to miss coffee with her every morning. I want to see her fly in the door every afternoon with, yet another, geeky school story. I want to be there when she forgets, again, that a paper has to be signed and turned in [OMG] right then. I want to continue to live in "Squirrelland" - which is pretty much her land of the clueless, with a heart of gold.

I have sat [laid? lain?] here for the last few days in tears, thinking about the emptiness coming. I KNOW it is months away and YES, I KNOW to make the most of the remaining months. I don't need the obvious pointed out to me [thank you MOM]. I guess this is a stupid thing to complain whine about, but it's my life and my blog. And I am out of paperwork. Work with me here tadpoles.

I know what it is to be without our kids. Natalie is no longer with us. We lost Dee and Tee to their tyranical mother and JR was allowed to move because he wanted to - these were all devastating losses at the time and took me many days, weeks, months [years?] to recover from. In the case of Dee, Tee and JR that was out of our control and we had to deal, but at least we had them for some time. And I guess that is why Squirrel leaving is hitting me so hard. I know where the others are - and they are thriving, as I will know where Squirrel will be, but it is not the same as having them home. To love, cherish, spoil, and laugh with.

I wish everyone understood. I have nice kids. Really nice kids. Kids I want to be around and want to be around their Dad and me. They're fun. They don't give us trouble. They are hard workers - I don't know how else to explain. When I see others having such problems with their kids I never wonder why or think they should be doing something different - I just figure everyone is different and things will work out. It just isn't that way in our home.

Is it because I have been a Stay at Home Mom for practically their whole lives? Do I feel like I am being "aged" out of my position? Not forgetting Wallene, of course, still have a few years on her. But, I really don't think that is it.

[Funny sidenote: Wallene was the BIGGEST surprise of our lives when I found out I was pregnant with her. We were already raising 4 kids - it was before their mother moved to NC with Dee/Tee and years before JR moved. And we were shocked that all of a sudden with the 5,6,7 and 8 year olds we were going to have an infant. Wow. I honestly thank God for her everyday, but when ever she screws up [Running into a wall? Anyone?] I get to look at Pooldad and say "You had to have her." Hee. I take the good and he pays the emergency room bills. giggle]

Anyway - perhaps it is because I LIKE my life. I LIKE the routine - and I can't imagine what it is going to be like come August. Maybe it is because I am scared to let her go because I don't think she can handle it without Mom and Dad? I don't want to hold her hand [really, I don't], but when I send her to her room to put on her shoes because she is in danger of missing the bus and I find her 5 minutes later trying on belts - well, there is a certain amount of parenting that is required to get her going, y'know?

[How rambly can I get? Take bets.]

I know the school work part of her college education is going to go well. It is the rest of it that scares the beehoohoo out of me. I am afraid she is going to be lonely. That no one is going to help her. She will be left out. That she is going to lose her keys and get locked out of her dorm and the fees are going to bankrupt Pooldad and me. [This is a great possiblity, trust me] With the exception of one school [Stanford] she will be within 3.5 hours from us wherever she is accepted. A quick cartrip and that calms me - a bit.

But really? Can't I homeschool her for College? I am up for it. :)


qandlequeen said...

No, sorry, you cannot homeschool for college. She'll be fine and you know it. The best way I dealt with that "OMG he/she is leaving!!!!" was to get excited about it and sort of erase that notion that they were going to be "gone". It's a form of denial, a coping mechanism of sorts.

Have you ventured into FAFSA land? heh. It will make you want to insist she is NEVER going to college EVER. Get a job, child, and stay at home. FOREVER.

Hang in there!

Linda in New Mexico said...

Good Morning Skippy do rah day. In an email, later today, I will share my OMG Shelley is leaving me time. Some of it is actually pretty good. I wrote it down at the time to help me survive and see you have bloggytown to do that already. I am not dismissing what you are feeling, honest. Just the old been there, bought the T shirt deal.
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement and love. I will take you up on your offer of sharing. So look out, the email is coming. ((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
vert word is snera...I got nothing.

Linda & Denny/RV Vagabonds said...

The Darbster was only 1.5 hours away when he went off to college which meant he was home on weekends A LOT. Perhaps he would have dealt with the loneliness better if he hadn't had the capability of coming home so easily. Instead, he ended up married before he graduated. Bah (not that she's not a great girl).

Boy, I bet THAT bit of information just helped!

Word verification is houckszl; the emotional crap we hock up when we're feeling sorry for ourselves.

Jeannie said...

My oldest lived away from home for about 6 months and decided it would be better to commute the hour or so to school everyday. He's only just now, at 28, bought a house with his girlfriend.
My other two have lived halfway across the country and all the way across the country. Both have come back to town. They both have it in mind to leave again for distant lands. It's not so bad with the internet - skype - instant messaging - facebook - it's not like they are so very far away after all. I was an at-home Mom too until my husband made me open a tanning salon 10 years ago. My daughter and I are very close - even when she's far away.

Yum Yucky said...

LOL! No college homeschooling.

I fuss so much at the last minute "I need that paper signed". Guess I should savor these moments? I will try.

pedalpower said...

I know just what you are going through. I had major mommy withdrawl blues when my youngest went away to college last year. And she is not even an hour away. We enjoy each other so much and, well, I guess I was feeling a little like my job was being fazed out....which is as it should be of course. Even though she was eager to fly off to college, my girl is a homebody too and I wondered how she would fare. She had some meltdown moments (complete with emotional calls home), but I know it has been a great learning experience for her. And for me too, I suppose! And now here we are...half way through her sophomore year!

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

that was a beautiful post! i can totally relate. think how i felt the morning i dropped my baby girl off at the navy recruiters' station after she enlisted. that was torture!

Bouncin' Barb said...

And look at how well she's doing. Hell she even gets $100 for lunch money! Hahahaha. Behoohoo? That's a new one one me. Loved this post.