There is a downfall to this busy-work tho'. It makes me realize that in less than 9 months my beauty is leaving. Me. Daddy. Wallene. And it makes me so sad. I am excited for her. I want her to succeed and fulfill her lifetime dreams, but...well, I want her to stay. With me.
I don't want to miss coffee with her every morning. I want to see her fly in the door every afternoon with, yet another, geeky school story. I want to be there when she forgets, again, that a paper has to be signed and turned in [OMG] right then. I want to continue to live in "Squirrelland" - which is pretty much her land of the clueless, with a heart of gold.
I have sat [laid? lain?] here for the last few days in tears, thinking about the emptiness coming. I KNOW it is months away and YES, I KNOW to make the most of the remaining months. I don't need the obvious pointed out to me [thank you MOM]. I guess this is a stupid thing to
I know what it is to be without our kids. Natalie is no longer with us. We lost Dee and Tee to their tyranical mother and JR was allowed to move because he wanted to - these were all devastating losses at the time and took me many days, weeks, months [years?] to recover from. In the case of Dee, Tee and JR that was out of our control and we had to deal, but at least we had them for some time. And I guess that is why Squirrel leaving is hitting me so hard. I know where the others are - and they are thriving, as I will know where Squirrel will be, but it is not the same as having them home. To love, cherish, spoil, and laugh with.
I wish everyone understood. I have nice kids. Really nice kids. Kids I want to be around and want to be around their Dad and me. They're fun. They don't give us trouble. They are hard workers - I don't know how else to explain. When I see others having such problems with their kids I never wonder why or think they should be doing something different - I just figure everyone is different and things will work out. It just isn't that way in our home.
Is it because I have been a Stay at Home Mom for practically their whole lives? Do I feel like I am being "aged" out of my position? Not forgetting Wallene, of course, still have a few years on her. But, I really don't think that is it.
[Funny sidenote: Wallene was the BIGGEST surprise of our lives when I found out I was pregnant with her. We were already raising 4 kids - it was before their mother moved to NC with Dee/Tee and years before JR moved. And we were shocked that all of a sudden with the 5,6,7 and 8 year olds we were going to have an infant. Wow. I honestly thank God for her everyday, but when ever she screws up [Running into a wall? Anyone?] I get to look at Pooldad and say "You had to have her." Hee. I take the good and he pays the emergency room bills. giggle]
Anyway - perhaps it is because I LIKE my life. I LIKE the routine - and I can't imagine what it is going to be like come August. Maybe it is because I am scared to let her go because I don't think she can handle it without Mom and Dad? I don't want to hold her hand [really, I don't], but when I send her to her room to put on her shoes because she is in danger of missing the bus and I find her 5 minutes later trying on belts - well, there is a certain amount of parenting that is required to get her going, y'know?
[How rambly can I get? Take bets.]
I know the school work part of her college education is going to go well. It is the rest of it that scares the beehoohoo out of me. I am afraid she is going to be lonely. That no one is going to help her. She will be left out. That she is going to lose her keys and get locked out of her dorm and the fees are going to bankrupt Pooldad and me. [This is a great possiblity, trust me] With the exception of one school [Stanford] she will be within 3.5 hours from us wherever she is accepted. A quick cartrip and that calms me - a bit.
But really? Can't I homeschool her for College? I am up for it. :)