Day Six: Name something you hope you never have to do.
I hope I am not cognizant [awake!] on the day I simply give up.
I waffle. I am a definite waffler. Some days I am strong and gung-ho, a go get'em kind of gal that is going to smack life upside the head and take over my well being.
Other days I don't even want to get out of my pajamas. Okay, some days I don't get out of my pajamas. [You want to be me - admit it. Well, not the whole fun disease thing, but who doesn't want to stay in their pajamas all day with a VALID excuse? Don't be jealous. Just do it. You now have the "Skippy Seal of Approval"***. :)]
Really tho' - It is because I can't decide. Honestly? It is just that when you are diagnosed with what I have and you realize you have to make the best of it but the best of it isn't good enough for you anymore, you do start to wonder:
"What exactly IS the point?"
The most dangerous thing I can do is give up, but some days it just seems so fruitless to move forward, let alone try and make progress. I know I am here for a purpose - my kids - but does it sound selfish to say that sometimes I think they would just be better off without me?
There are so many things I do to make sure I take care of myself, but there are so many things I could be doing better. How much am I supposed to do? How much do I care?
There seems to be a limit in my "Skippyness" and I suppose I think a lot about whether or not it is worth it. Sometimes I just want to lay down and ignore it all. I want to go to sleep. The effort seems to be too much, even for me. An example would be: I can knock myself on my behind just getting dressed in a sweater and jeans. Nevermind make up, hair or shoes, just the simple act of 4 pieces of clothing. I will have to sit or lay down for 20 minutes just to breath. Is that anyway to live, I sometimes think as I am choking for air.
Please don't mistake this for depression - it isn't. I have a heck of a lot more joy in my life then sorrow, but I know that as the time passes and these diseases further take their toll on my body I am going to start caring less and less.
I just don't want to be around for the day I don't care at all. That simply isn't me.
***Recognized in all fifty states, US territories, Canada and any place a Tadpole lives. Get yours now.