Tuesday, October 26, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day Six

Day Six:  Name something you hope you never have to do.

I hope I am not cognizant [awake!] on the day I simply give up.

I waffle.  I am a definite waffler.  Some days I am strong and gung-ho, a go get'em kind of gal that is going to smack life upside the head and take over my well being.

Other days I don't even want to get out of my pajamas.  Okay, some days I don't get out of my pajamas. [You want to be me - admit it. Well, not the whole fun disease thing, but who doesn't want to stay in their pajamas all day with a VALID excuse?  Don't be jealous. Just do it. You now have the "Skippy Seal of Approval"***. :)]

Really tho' - It is because I can't decide.  Honestly?  It is just that when you are diagnosed with what I have and you realize you have to make the best of it but the best of it isn't good enough for you anymore, you do start to wonder:

 "What exactly IS the point?"

The most dangerous thing I can do is give up, but some days it just seems so fruitless to move forward, let alone try and make progress.  I know I am here for a purpose - my kids - but does it sound selfish to say that sometimes I think they would just be better off without me?

There are so many things I do to make sure I take care of myself, but there are so many things I could be doing better.  How much am I supposed to do?  How much do I care?

There seems to be a limit in my "Skippyness" and I suppose I think a lot about whether or not it is worth it.  Sometimes I just want to lay down and ignore it all. I want to go to sleep.  The effort seems to be too much, even for me.  An example would be: I can knock myself on my behind just getting dressed in a sweater and jeans.  Nevermind make up, hair or shoes, just the simple act of 4 pieces of clothing.  I will have to sit or lay down for 20 minutes just to breath.  Is that anyway to live, I sometimes think as I am choking for air.

Please don't mistake this for depression - it isn't.  I have a heck of a lot more joy in my life then sorrow, but I know that as the time passes and these diseases further take their toll on my body I am going to start caring less and less.

I just don't want to be around for the day I don't care at all.  That simply isn't me.

***Recognized in all fifty states, US territories, Canada and any place a Tadpole lives.  Get yours now.

14 comments:

Marni said...

Bless your heart, Skip. Hugs to ya!

Bouncin' Barb said...
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Bouncin' Barb said...

Skippy...I don't blame you one bit for feeling like that some days. I know Rich did have his bad days but I will tell you this and it might sound a little or a lot crazy. He was put on this earth to get his loved ones through his pending death. He taught us all how not to be afraid of death. So there is a reason for what you must deal with. But maybe it's not clear yet. All you can do is try to be upbeat for those around you and try to enjoy every possible minute you can. There will be some minutes you just can't enjoy. That's just part of the sickness. You sound like an amazing lady. I can't wait to meet you!

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

you're braver than I am... I skipped day 6.

Life in the mom lane said...

Reading this made me sad, but I DO understand what you are saying... just know that there are sooooooo many people who care about you! You are an example not just for your children, but for all of us... and if (God forbid) there does come a time when your body gives up- it is my hope that you will get your wish.
<3
*hugs*

Life in the mom lane said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Michaela said...

Skippy girl,I know you are not depressed. This is the reality of your condition. I have taken care of people with end stage COPD, so I know what an effort every little thing is. It is tragic that your condition limits you in so many ways, yet you are so young. I respect you for sharing with us your frustration. I understand that ultimately it takes all the courage you've got (& more) to go on, knowing that it will get worse. Its a rock and a hard place, eh? I don't have any suggestions or answers. Just know that I feel like I travel each step of the way along side you. I am thinking of you many times through the day and send my hopes that you are coping OK and not too uncomfortable. I love your brave spirit and your Skippyness, which I think is the spark that will carry you further than you realize. Love you heaps, xxxooo

qandlequeen said...

I think I get it. Fighting is hard, no matter what the battle. But when it wears on and on, yeah I can see the desire to give up. That you don't want to see the day come that you give up - that means you've still got a good measure of fight in you. YAY, more Skippy

When you get low, just remember we're all rooting for you. And you have MY approval for day long jammies - sometimes those are the best, especially when you don't have a good excuse.

King of New York Hacks said...

Thank you for sharing that, you are a brave one. Peace.

Tessa said...

Oh Skippy, I know exactly how you feel right now. Even suffering from weighing too much is a disease and like you, right now I don't know if it is worth the battle anymore. You are an amazing lady and I pray that as the diseases rob you more and more of your independence your wish will come true. Till then hang in there, you are a very wise lady and keep us all on our toes. I luv you lots, big hugs!!!

colenic said...

Hugs...I wish you peace and know that you are surrounded by love. I hope that you have all the laughter you can bear, you can tell everyone how much you love them and mostly I hope you know how much you inspire others!!

Jeannie said...

You are so very honest. Given the deal, I think I'd be doing sweat pants and - what's easy to put on top? - every day. You may feel like a burden but family will choose to keep you anyway. It's better to love someone who is still there to receive it. So don't give up. Keep on keeping on just so your loved ones have someone to love. On your bad days, they can love you more. Enjoy that. (I'm telling myself as much as you right now - we both need to learn to accept love.)

Rudee said...

This was a very eloquent and thoughtful post, Skippy. Thank you for sharing your innermost feelings.

TinaM said...

I just got all caught up... and OMGoodness Skippy, are you trying to make us all cry? :) I know you're not, but you have a couple really sad ones here...

I'm so sorry it's such a struggle Skippy, and you are so brave for sharing it with us, and dealing with it everyday.
Thank Goodness you have such a wonderful family that is there for you...

and no, your kids would NOT be better off without you Skippy! If the time comes, they will get through it because you raised them so well and they will be strong... but don't ever thing they will be better off, you know that's not true.

SO sorry about your friend also :( He sounds like an angel from heaven sent here to help you in those times when you needed it most.