Friday, October 15, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day One

Day One:  Name something you hate about yourself.

This query made it hard for me to start this challenge.  Not because I couldn't think of anything, but because I simply couldn't pick just one thing.

I would like to think I don't suffer from a low self esteem, but don't we all have our foibles that we would hope that we could improve on in our lives?  I haven't met a perfect person yet, so I think that is a pretty fair assumption.

Since I can only pick one - I decided to choose the words "I can't" and how they color my world.

I truly hate that the phrase "I can't" is in my everyday world and I hear it, more often than not, every single day from my mouth, from the doctors and from my family.

I could always do.  Always.  I could cook, sew, drive, walk, clean, love, hug, tickle, play, run, laugh and basically do what I loved - which is what a Mom does, eh?  I never thought being a stay at home Mom was a bad gig - I actually thought I was pretty good at it but, everything combined in the past two years has given me a lot of  "I can'ts."  I used to be able to enjoy so much, but now the phrase "I can't" has stolen some of my smallest pleasures and those of my family.

"I can't breath."  Because it is early morning and the congestion is severe.
"I can't cook dinner tonight" Because it is too painful to stand.
"I can't attend your band concert, awards ceremony or your Christmas party."  Because I am too tired.
"I can't drive you to your friends house."  Because my hands don't bend around the steering wheel anymore.
"I can't drive to Myrtle Beach with my family."  Because my doctor told me no.
"I can't have you hug me. Sorry."  Because it is painful.
"I can't walk the dogs." Because I have no strength to get out of the house.
"I can't eat that. It has too much sodium."  Because of my illness - and I know better.
"I can't walk up the stairs right now to see the new decoration in your room."  Because I have one trip left up the stairs today and I am saving it to get to bed.
"I can't remember" something I said three hours ago or that you told me yesterday.
"I can't sleep." Because it hurts.

I could make that list a thousand lines long - but I think everyone gets the point.  I understand that I should focus on the "I cans" - I can get up in the morning, I can make my daughter's lunch, I can cook once in a while  and that is probably why I post about my little victories of laundry and bread sometimes - but I find so many more "I can'ts" in my life than I would like.

And?  I just can't live with that.


Michaela said...

You know, I love you for posting about this. It helps me to know you better. I often see older folks downtown on their electric scooters. I think a lot about losing my mobility, my other faculties. How I will handle it. I hope I will be able to be gracious. I know that if it interfered with my ability to be a Mom, I would be angry. I admire you so much girl, for having the courage and the guts to go on counting the I cans, rather than sinking under the I cants. Love you! xxxooooo

RV Vagabonds said...

You are so strong that you amaze me. I wish I could help. Sending much positive energy your way today. Love you.

word vert: pottly. When the cat knocked the camera off the table it was pottly my fault for leaving it so close to the edge.

Jeannie said...

I was thinking as I read that you could use a motorized wheelchair or scooter to help you conserve your strength for those activities you want to do most. Still, I do love your positive attitude. I would think compiling a list of can'ts must be a total bummer though. I know I'd be down for the rest of the day.

Linda in New Mexico said...

Hey, I love you.
Yep, the I can't eat at my brain everyday too. And for the same reason....cuz used to I could. I have 20 years on you but your disease has put us on a even playing field...can you see us trying to get to the field to play?????? OMGROTFLMAO....but then I couldn't get up.
You being Skippy do rah day is amazing. Us being friends is a blessing. You inspiring other people is your calling. The Olde Bagg
vert word is agyria....sometimes that's how folks pronouce GK's name Gerea as in Sarah. That's why she likes to be called G.

Linda in New Mexico said...

ps.....screw the motorized wheelchair...with your luck, you'd fall and the dang thing would run you over....besides, I don't think it would help with the stairs, sorry Jeannie

Bouncin' Barb said...

I know we've just met on here and so I have much to learn about you but from the getgo I feel you are an incredibly positive person. I'm not familiar with the condition that causes you these things but I have plenty of my own health issues and pain constantly to understand the I Cant's. We are only human but I feel our positives make up for the negatives and its a balance. One day at a time, one step at a time. Thanks for sharing this.

Life in the mom lane said...

Having to say "I can't" due to a physical problem is so much better than simply just not doing something (as I am wont to do)....

I admire you so much Skippy b/c even though you have all of these "I can'ts" that you have zero control over... you still CAN (and do!) do so much.

Your positive energy is inspiring to me...

Anonymous said...

Sorry about all the "i can'ts" in your life :(

I like that you are focusing on the things you can do though!

Hugs! :D

colenic said...

I have been following you for a long time and honestly, I think I can count on one hand all of the I can'ts that I remember you saying. You are an inspiring person and you have an amazing knack for making the best of your situation. know that whether you can or can't that you have all the support from blogland in addition to your fantastic family!! Hugs and lots and lots of love!

Sandra said...

I can't stand to hear you talk like that...but you must, I know, and I applaud you for not letting it dampen your spirit. You and your spirit contribute to so many people's lives.
And I can't believe you are undertaking the 30 you realize how gut wrenching that shit is? I contemplated it for about 5 seconds, then "googled" porn sites!...ok, not really...well, maybe... :) xoxox

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

And you say you admire me? Honestly, I think the shoes are quite the reverse.

At least you have a good reason for the days when "I can't" is the theme of the day. So many people can't because they just won't.

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick said...

You are the most positive person I know. Always happy despite lots of things. You're an inspiration, and many days you are the thing that turns my attitude around about my own stuff.

qandlequeen said...

We spend so much time empowering people saying how "can't" is such a bad word, that we overlook or ignore that some people truly cannot do everything. In fact, EVERYONE has something, many somethings, they "can't" do. And while I support the empowering message to get beyond what we can't do, there is also strength in knowing our limitations.

It's frustrating that you have a long list of "can'ts" that were previous "cans" but that is going to happen to all of us at some point. It just happened a lot sooner for you.

Anonymous said...

I love that you hate this. We all do it, but bravo to you for recognizing this and making an effort to focus on the "I can" in your life. We can choose how we approach life! That in and of itself is beautiful. Love your writing! Reed

Khadra said...

So I started my 30 days today, and I havent read your early posts in this challenge. Im going to read yours after I post mine...

I think the "I can'ts" are scary for everyone. We all get to a point where we will experience this. Im sorry that you have to start so much earlier than any of us would like.