It's amazing what six hours a sleep can get ya'. I feel like a new woman. And only ONE more day until I get to the doctors.
Boy, that was one screwed up post. But it stays - and I hope, truly, you got a laugh out of it. My family, although incredibly worried, were quite entertained for a week. Wire me up and take away sleep - and I am ALL that and a stick of gum. [no I don't know what that means either. deal.]
So. . . . .I have spent entirely too much time talking about the bad part of prescription meds. Well, come to discover there is a very interesting and dare I say nice? side effect to one of my current medications.
Good thing too, because if that medication is going to keep me up for a week the least it can do is make it fun.
And this is a side effect the doctors would never tell you about.
Seems that this particular drug can go either way in the ::ahem:: libido department.
What? Shocked? Yes, I am going to skirt the issue of sex. Don't worry you bunch of prudes ::said with love:: I am not going into detail - it was just funny how it all came about.
The disclaimer says [paraphrasing]: "Can cause increased or decreased sexual arousal."
Take a guess. One guess.
I don't do anything half way folks. And I didn't have my first 3 children in 3 years because it was my Christian duty. Okay?
I would be a man slut if I had been born male, ummmmkay? As it is - I am fortunate to be with a man that after almost 18 years STILL makes my knees go weak when he kisses me. I am so not kidding about that. I was in the drugstore yesterday and I looked out of the plate glass front doors while waiting in line. There stood my husband, just looking off into the distance, and my heart skipped a bit. This happens all the time.
And I know that many of you know what I am talking about because you feel the same way about your husbands, wives and boyfriends, girlfriends too. A lot of you are in even longer term marriages/relationships and I guess if we could we would still be populating the world if it was medically possible to have children at our age. We're older, not dead.
So it should come as no surprise to anyone that reads this blog that I got the bonus part of the "OR" in the disclaimer.
All hands on deck. Or at Chez Skippy? All my hands on Pooldad.
Go ahead, join Wallene and say "Ewwwwww." giggle It's not that bad. I am discrete. Okay, the grocery store yesterday not withstanding, but I can't help it. I thought I had a healthy sexual appetite before? Oh hell. I think Pooldad was happy to get to go back to work this morning. Less pressure.
Seriously. I give him a lot of credit. He has to deal with all of this and still holds out the hope the old me comes back someday. Don't get me wrong, he loves me in all my incarnations, but it isn't easy to see someone you love ride these rollercoasters everyday. Besides being the caregiver for someone so ill, he has to still go out and work and do all the other things life requires of him. He does it all without complaint. I honestly don't know how he does it. Do you realize that Pooldad talks to NO ONE about me? No one. He doesn't have a blog. He doesn't go out drinking with his pals or tell anyone at work. He holds everything very close to himself. Which is a admirable trait, but I just want it all to end so he can find some peace again. I want to go back to the beginning and do it all over again, but this time do it right. Or better. Heck, all I want is to go and get the 18 years back, so I can tell him again, everyday, how much I love him.
Okay, so the sex thing? I figure this is a side effect that benefits us both. It took a few days to manifest itself, but ding::ding::ding:: it showed up, and boy howdy, it took us both off guard. Being me, my passion pretty much went down as the pill count went up. Think about this and realize there are only so many times your husband can hold your hair back while your head is buried in the toilet that the mental picture sticks. And don't get me started on my self body image problems.
I know I am not long on this medication, thank you God, and I am not saying sex defines our relationship. It never has, but for the moment? It is nice. It feels nice to feel attractive, to feel sexy and desirous instead of stepping on the scale and seeing another valuable pound gone.
There is another hurdle to overcome. Pooldad told me a long time ago he is afraid to touch me or hold me too tight. He is afraid he will break me. You have to understand we are the kind of couple that used to wrestle around, goofing off and he wouldn't think twice about snagging me up and throwing me over his shoulder. Or hanging me upside down by my feet. We are a very physical couple. Or were. And it isn't age stopping us, at least I hope not. It's me. And my health. Or lack of. It's been hard for both of us to go from me being able to run down the stairs, take a flying leap and him catching me to him coming in the door, quietly, hoping I am sleeping and trying not to wake me up. Or sleeping on the edge of the bed because he knows if he even nudges me in his sleep he will hurt me. I keep trying to convince him that it's okay to touch me, like his wife and not his sister, that YES, PLEASE hug me, bend me back. Plant one on me. But he won't. He is scared of hurting me. And it hurts to see the pain in his eyes. The worst is his quiet resignation. That what he wants, I can't give him and it isn't coming back. It isn't how it's supposed to be.
Sometimes the pain in my heart for what I have done to him hurts so much more than my bones.
That is why I like this particular side effect. It gives me a chance, the desire to go back to what I was. I equate sex with love. I have never had sex without it. If that is too much information, so be it, but it is only put out here to make sense out of this post. In fact, I don't call it sex, I call it making love, because that is what it is. It is the desire, the ability to show my husband how much I love him. It is the one thing that I have that I can chose who to share it with, the ultimate gift, if you will. I am not going to say what others do or call it is wrong, it's just not me. Or us.
Now, just because I have the desire for it, doesn't mean. . .well, let's just say I still have to get over a few hurdles with the man. Like the whole "don't want to hurt you Skippy" worry and whatnot. But, as usual with me, I have a plan.
I was going shopping for lingerie this afternoon. Y'know, something pretty and frilly, but now that I think about it? A visit to the sports store might be more in order instead.
I hear hockey gear can be quite beguiling if worn correctly. ::wink::
I don't call him my "long suffering husband" for nothing.
Have a good one Tadpoles. You've been the best and we all appreciate it here in the pond. Have a great Tuesday and we'll see ya' on the FLIPSIDE!