Seems all it takes to get a little action around here is write a blog post.
Yep, Tadpoles. It may be cold, but it SNOWED! ::grin::
It wasn't even forecast and it really isn't the snow I had been hoping for, but. . .beggars [whiners?] can't be choosers and we have about an inch of the fluffy stuff.
And y'all know what that means, right? They might cancel school and if they cancel school, they cancel Pooldad's workday and everyone gets to stay home with me and PLAY! WooHOOO! ::BIGGER GRIN::
To celebrate [at 4 in the morning, no less], I am propped up in bed, munching on a big bowl of old fashioned popcorn. Butter and all. Made in a pan, on the stove, with ::gasp!:: oil. No microwave or air popper for Skippy tonight. No siree - I am doing it up right. Nice tall glass of Coca cola and this girlie is all set.
I have written quite a few posts, but they were all too depressing, even for me. I decided the heck with them and shelved them. The family can read them later and instead I will put on my happy face and get through the next few weeks.
In a nutshell, and so no one worries, I cannot get an appointment with my rheumatologist until February 6th. In the meantime my other doctor, who works in tandem with the rheumatologist, cannot prescribe me anymore meds to deal with my pain. Do you know why? You're going to love this. I have a diagnosed condition [three actually] that warrant the kind of meds I am allowed to take to relieve the pain. One of my conditions limits exactly what kind of pain meds I can take because some of them will cause even more damage to my body, so I am limited to two. My doctor is unwilling to prescribe anymore because he said the insurance company would know and he does not want to get in trouble for prescribing controlled substances to me. Even if we were to pay out of pocket, the insurance company will still know because they insure me and have full access to all my records. Eventhough when my doctor prescribes a two month supply of these meds it takes me almost 3 and 1/2 months before I need refills because some days are better than others and I am able to live with a tolerable amount of pain. I use them only when absolutely necessary, instead of taking them on a schedule just in case the pain is more severe. Still my doctor is afraid that the insurance company will flag him for prescribing the meds. As I said, eventhough I have a textbook condition, with other underlying conditions, that warrant these particular meds.
I don't understand what these doctors expect me to do. I used to think I had a high threshold for pain, but when the pain is so severe that I can't walk without stooping, nor can I grip a hairbrush or coffee mug [literally I cannot close my hands to make a fist] and I am unable to get back up the stairs once I go down, I end up staying in bed. For days. And for goodsakes DO NOT TOUCH ME. I can't stand to be touched because a simple back pat hurts. Forget a hug or a kiss. The best thing I can hope to accomplish is using the bathroom and sitting up to eat, if I feel like it. [Gawd, that sounds so pathetic. ick. sorry.]
I don't want to go back there. I don't want to be trapped in bed. AGAIN. I don't want to miss out on everything that is going on one flight down or outside. Or at school. Or church. I want to walk my dog and drive my car. Why is that too much to ask?
But, that is what I face. And considering the last two appointments I have had with the rheumatologist and the inability to settle on other meds that work to relieve my pain [and hopefully slow down the damage being done to my joints and tissue] without side effects that are worse than the pain, I don't have much hope of this ever ending. [How's that for an incredibly long run on sentence and misuse - or lack - of commas? ::wink::]
Who lives like this? Honestly - and I am going to close this post down in a sec', but I want to know - why is my choice between trying to cope with crippling pain or meds that have very real, life threatening side effects? Bring on the weight gain or the weight loss, the acne and nausea [to mention a few of the mild side effects] I can handle those, but am I really supposed to choose a pain free life and hope I don't go blind or die? REALLY? When is cancer an acceptable side effect for anything ?
I am overjoyed that I have insurance. I thank God everyday for the blessing, but what good is an insurance company that threatens a doctor for doing his job? I realize there are unscrupulous doctors out there that will prescribe these types of medications for addicts looking for a fix, taking a fee to write a prescription for a bogus illness. I just don't understand why those of us that have had every test available, including x-rays and MRIs, and have been diagnosed by several doctors, suffer for the few? Why does every step [shuffle] forward I take, feel like I am being thrown back two?
I am not ready to give up, but I am pretty damn tired of the fight and trying to keep a smile on my face through it all. Then I start to think I am a failure because look! Look how good I do have it.
But is all the good I have really worth having if I can't enjoy having it?
The answer is yes, of course. Do you know why? Because I have to believe that being here, even in pain, is better than not being here at all.
And that's all the news that's fit to type. heehee
I will see you on the flipside Tadpoles.
Everyone take care. Hugs!