Happy New Year Tadpoles

How's it going?

Just wanted to write a post to let you all know I am thinking of you, everyday in fact, and to answer all the inquiries to the question "Are you dead yet?" giggle

Nope - still here.  Which is a good thing depending on the day. :)  Other times I wonder what's the point?  Today is one of those days.

I am struggling with the whys of all of this.  The illnesses, the pain, the limitations, new and varying everyday [Say those last four words in an announcer like voice. Sounds like a commercial for "Limitations" ::grin::.] I AM incredibly grateful to be here. I have said it before in previous posts - and I AM. But I would be less than human if I didn't want to give up on some days.  Sometimes a person's capacity to tolerate less than normal in their everyday life [for lack of a better phrase] grows thin.  Mine is paper[thin].  I know Pooldad is tired of it too.  He is as powerless as I am to control any of this. And isn't that what we do as people?  Try and control our lives in some fashion?

I am sure I am not making much sense - but for once I can't blame meds since I haven't taken any today. heehee  I could have feasibly posted once a day for the past month - it was Christmas after all - but to what point would I finally stop pretending that it is all hunky dory? That the waiting and the loom of doctors and hospitals and the pain overshadow every minute of every day of my life?

Another thing I have said is I didn't start this blog to have it be a journal of my [bad] health. I simple wanted to keep track of our lives for my family.  Well...so much has changed since I started blogging 7 years ago [8? - wow. It's been a long time since "So you have a swimming pool, and?" days, isn't it?] but I still don't feel like I want this blog to be about my health.

But if I don't talk about my life, including the ups and downs of my physical self, then it makes me a liar.  Or at least a big fibber - and I'm not those things.

I think the problem stems from my desire to be strong.  To keep a positive outlook - my need to actually beat this.  When I have that attitude it makes blogging, heck it makes LIFE easy. But [again, another but] even the strongest, most upbeat person in the world has their day[s]. And I am far from that strong a person.

So my "days" are becoming more frequent and uglier and I certainly don't want to blog about that. Not only do I not want my family to relive it in the future [ahhhh, permanency of blogging] it doesn't make for a very good read ::grin:: and you guys worry entirely too much.

I will leave you with a picture my lovely husband made us pose for.  He was even nice enough to dress us.

GO DALLAS!
Too bad we lost the game. Sigh.

Take care Tadpoles.  Remember to smile LOUD! Life is a gift.
We'll see ya' on flipside. ::wink::