Monday, April 25, 2011

So Much, So Little and Not Enough

I have so much to say to my family and my friends, here, on my blog.

I know these things will be one of the few lasting memories that I can give them.  It won't be on paper, but will be in perpetuity on the net.

It is about all I have.

I have so little energy to do it.

It took me six hours yesterday, after I woke up, to make two phone calls.  No kidding.  It took me six hours to cough up and breath enough to talk without losing my breath.  Anyone want to imagine what that is like?

When you think about the fact I have been out of our home only 9 times in 7 months [read that again and understand it] - is it any wonder I don't have anything to blog about?  What do I have to say to my family that isn't a repeat of everything I do every day.

I swear Tadpoles I do try.

I still have so much I want to say. I share as much as I can with the kids and Pooldad [irl], but with this blog I want to have something permanent - something that they can look back on and say "Oh Yeah - there's Mom! Skippy! My Beloved!"

[okay, okay...he has never called me his "beloved" but a woman can hope.]

[oh just be quiet]

And as hard as I try...it isn't happening.

I have nothing.

And it just is not enough.

21 comments:

Odie Langley said...

Sometimes I feel like I have nothing (at least in my mind) & wonder why I started this thing because I don't like having to make quick decisions like doing this A-Z thing. I want what I put on here to mean something and sometimes I fail. I am sorry you are having a rough time physically & realize it has been tough but know that it is good to see your name pop up whenever you can. Family is family, physical or blog.
Odie

lyndylou said...

I wholeheartedly agree with Odie. Anything you write on here will be a lasting memory to your loved ones.

I'm sorry you are having a crappy time with your health but I am so glad I was able to make you laugh this morning!

(((hugs)))

Mynx said...

It is enough. You are so special and you know my feelings onnwhat you are saying here.
Live for now my darling friend. Let the future take care of itself
Love you

becca said...

Even when you don't think you have anything you do just the fact you thought about them and put in writing is enough to let them know you were thinking of them always.

RV Vagabonds said...

When I started blogging six years ago it was a way to keep friends and family in the loop as to where we were and the things we were seeing out on the road. When my mother was hospitalized, it became a place to vent and escape and grieve. Since my mother passed away it's not as fun to blog, knowing she's not there to read it, so I don't make the same effort to keep it up and like Odie I don't want to just blather to fill up space (although that happens too.)
You, my dear, don't need to fill pages on a website for your family to know how dear they are to you. And Denny and I thank you for the effort you made yesterday--you all made us laugh and brought sunshine to a rainy, dreary day. Love you.

Tony Van Helsing said...

The fact that you wrote this shows that you have things to say. I am sorry about your health but writing isn't just about going out and doing things then describng what you did on your blog.
The fact that you care enough to try should show your family how much you care.

Phelan said...

I sit here not really knowing what to say to you.

I do indeed have a lot to say. Most of it inappropriate, but relate-able.

Hugs to you my dear.

PencilGirl said...

Whatever you write, and whenever you write it, it will be loved. Because that's the kind of person you are, and it shows in your words.. :) :)
Sorry, you're feeling down.. :(

colenic said...

Dearest Skippy- What you write, whatever you write brings smiles to so many peoples lives. Your words, your kindness mean so much to many of us around the web. You are pouring a bit of yourself into everything that you write and I am quite sure, like all of us, your girls and pooldad look at what you write and know that it is 100% you. Be kind to yourself my dear and know that your blog family out here is thinking of you, praying for you and sending positive and healing thoughts to you..love you girl!!

bruce said...

just to see you in the reader is enough for me, cuz i am easy and all that...

::giggle::

i understand the idea of leaving a legacy, and yours is well documented, with large doses of love and caring...

i am thankful to have you in my life, if only for a little while, you have brought me many laughs and am privileged to call you my friend...

do not fret that you have nothing to say, it speaks volumes when you say little...

peace, love, and hugs my friend!

oh and lickity licks from the tuckmonster!

ellen abbott said...

such love and grace...you are enough.

Bouncin' Barb said...

Post an old picture, write a haiku! I know how much you love those damn haiku...hahaha. Post whatever you feel like. It doesn't have to be about a new experience. I love reading anything you write. Even if it's one line. And I'm glad one of those calls was to me. You are a dear friend! Hugs and love.

sapphireblue said...

Sending a cyber hug!

bubbles said...

You are an amazing woman. Just know, that just by being there, your journey is teaching your children and family about themselves as well... I visited my mom who is terminal a couple of weeks ago. just the things she said while reflecting on her life, her mistakes, her successes mean more to me than anything. Some things she said:

If it makes you feel good, do it. Because if you don't, you will always be wondering about it.

You know how there are people that understand you? The ones that can imagine walking in your shoes and have real compassion. Keep hold of them. Sometimes there are people that tell you what to do and that their opinion is what is right. Stay away from them, even if they are family. Surround yourself with friendship and just have fun. Do everything they say you cannot do.

I don't wish I did anything different. What I wish is that I did things when I had the chance. I wish I was more daring and honest. I wish I was more like you.

Rudee said...

And yet, you always seem to find something meaningful to share, including this. I'm sending you a hug today, too.

Mountain Mama said...

I'm crying as I post this because I know that you are suffering and nothing I say here can change that.

I want you to know that I spent over an hour reading your blog when I couldn't sleep one night and I really enjoyed getting to know you better. I especially enjoyed reading about your pink outfit that lasted 20 (OMGarsh - no way!) years and your stint as an auto-parts delivery driver.
I would love that type of job too!

You are leaving a lasting legacy here, Skippy, whether you know it or not. When my mother passed, I searched through her house hoping to find something written by her that she might've left behind, but there was nothing and it broke my heart. I found myself clinging to to-do lists she'd made - for real. You have shared so much love and laughter here, and continue to do so with each post. It's not the quantity, it's the quality and each time you post, I run to read it and I feel a little bit closer to you. Your laughter through the pain you're going through is so inspiring and new to me. You bring me joy and warm my heart with every comment you leave on my posts and when you're not around I really miss you. Because I read your blog that night, I understand now that you are housebound most of the time and when I shared my Easter post yesterday and saw your reaction to it, I was so glad to have shared it with you. I wish you could've been right here with me, but I guess in a way you were. That's the beautiful thing about this blogging stuff!

You influence and inspire me now in ways I'm sure you don't even realize and you ARE enough! What you give us is more than enough and the fact that you want to give more to the ones you love is evidence of what a beautiful soul you have.

Sending love and
Warm hugs your way...

Your Friend,
jennifer (MM) :)

Jeannie said...

I was just about to email to ask if you were alright - hoping it was just the holiday keeping you away.

No I can not imagine not being able to breath properly. A little perhaps but only temporarily - not always.

I do know about not having energy but I also know I have much more than you do.

Plus I am more inclined to feel sorry for myself. You appear to be a tower of strength - spiritually - if that is the right word. Even if you have to work very hard to appear that way - you have it in you to do it.

I am sure your family will be so glad to revisit you here one day. I think it is very thoughtful of you to consider them as your reason for doing this. Perhaps you don't need to catalogue your daily activities but more your thoughts on stuff. I haven't read back in the archives to see if you've put favourite memories in but if not, you could travel back for them. Tell the stories of the kids when they were little. I know that mine still love to hear the shenanigans they got up to.

Wish I could come and rub your back or pound it if it helped and sip a cup of tea with you.

I'm glad to have known you. You make me try harder to be better.

Thisisme. said...

Dear dear Skippy. I am so very sorry that you are suffering so much with your health at the moment. It really must be the pits, and I do feel for you. To have only been out of your home 9 times in seven months can't be good. Whatever you put on your blog, I always look forward to reading it, so please don;t ever think that you have nothing to say. Chin up dear friend. Sending big hugs to you from across the pond.

Greenmare said...

oh sweet cheeks, what can I do for you?

Kathy's Klothesline said...

I had nothing to say today either, but then I started reading and some blogs made me smile, some brought sweet memories, some sad memories. There are no words to say that will ease you physically. I hope you know that your insight is a gift to others, as well as your family. Enough?

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

I actually read this while I was on my break at work this morning. But, you know how I feel about tears at work, so I couldn't formulate a response. Having read everyone else's responses, I realize they've all said it for me.

I have a soapmaking group of friends - a small group - and we've kept in touch over the years. I was just posting to them yesterday about how down and out for the count I was feeling (it was not a good day for me). I said I didn't even know why I was here. This is what one of my friends said and I think it's appropriate for you, as well...

She started with "You are here because God loves you, your husband loves you, your children love you..." and continued with this (I substituted your name for mine):

"I know that I’m not walking in your shoes, and I know how difficult this must be for you, but Skippy, God must REALLY love you to allow so many trials in your life. Our pastor said yesterday that if you’re a true Christian, you are either beginning a new trial, suffering through a current trial, or just coming out of an old trial. Satan must be biting at the bit in the same way he did with Job, Paul, Simon, and many others to try and trip you up, but as hard as he tries, you just keep on going. I can only speak for myself here, but as your Christian sister, I promise that I will always be here for you in whatever way I can help. If you need a shoulder to cry on, you can borrow mine. If you need a hand to hold, you can hold mine. If you need an ear to listen, you can speak to mine. I may not be able to give you much, but I can give you my friendship. When I say “I LOVE YOU”, I really mean it. These are not empty words. I’m not perfect and I think we’ve known each other long enough for you to figure that out…lol But, I honestly do care about you and I worry about you, and I pray for you, and I love you. I will always be your sister through fat & skinny, rags & riches, sickness & health, or even just plain FED UP! My email box and cell phone are ALWAYS open to you…:O)"

Whatever and whenever you write, you are leaving a lasting legacy or witt and wisdom for all who come and read it.